


Can you hear me?

by ShippingEruri (shippingeruri)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Plug, Anal Sex, Angst, Biting, Blindfolds, Blow Jobs, Choking, Daddy Kink, Dating, Depression, Developing Relationship, Dirty Talk, Exposure, F/M, Felching, Fingerfucking, Friendship, I have no shame, Isolation, Kissing, LLF Comment Project, Light BDSM, Light Bondage, Love Confessions, M/M, Marking, Mental Breakdown, Mentions of self-harm, Mute!Levi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Psychological Trauma, Relationship(s), Rimming, Scratching, Self-Comfort, Smut, Spanking, Strangers to Lovers, Tears, Trust, Undressing, bass player Erwin, daddy!win strikes again, drummer Levi, fluff ending? :D, jesus I don't know how to tag xD, mentions of BDSM, non-binary Hange, some nice ass eating :3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-08 16:38:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11085621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shippingeruri/pseuds/ShippingEruri
Summary: Levi is mute and starts dating Erwin. His PTSD makes things quite difficult and when everything seems to finally work out a detail from Erwin's life almost destroys everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Levi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levi/gifts).



> This is a giveaway present for [Tiny Heichou](http://tiny-heichou.tumblr.com/) who won my >700 follower giveaway on [my Tumblr](http://shippingeruri.tumblr.com/):3 
> 
> This fic was planned as oneshot with a minimum of 1k words ... but when I exceeded the 11k I knew I had to seperate it into chapters to allow the story to fully develop. 
> 
> The prompts were: modern AU, mute!Levi, angst and (lots of) smut :> I really hope you are happy with the result and what I made with those prompts <3
> 
> I'm gonna post the last chapters (max. 5 or 6) asap - they are in progress but I don't know if I need more - so please stand by :D
> 
> I'm so happy that I started writing fics for the Eruris in English - it really has become a dear hobby to me and your feedback is really encouraging me to keep it up! If you want to make me smile (or cry out of joy), feel free to leave a comment <3
> 
> ***
> 
> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject) whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and will reply to:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
> 


I was nervous. As nervous as I'd probably been the last time when I graduated from high school. 

I had a date. An actual, real date. One of those where you meet someone in real life and get to know them. Face to face.

While I tried to pick the right shirt, my eyes always wandered back to my mobile. 6:15 PM. Fuck. I was going to be late if I wouldn't hurry a bit.

Black, well worn trousers, gray buttoned shirt with short sleeves, white shirt below. Fuck! Black shirt? Black or white? 

In a rush I tried the outfit with the black shirt and turned around in the front of the mirror. Fuck! I had no idea which looked better.

Quickly I pulled out my phone. A picture with the black shirt, changed to the white shirt again, another picture. Both sent to Hanji.

“Which one?”, I hurriedly typed while I sat down on the edge of my bed and tried to calm down

Fuck. This was my first date since ten years or so and I was a wreck just by finding the right outfit. 

“Black one.” Hanji replied within a minute and another message followed. “But do you really wanna go with that trousers?”

Fuck you! 

“Thanks Hanji. Just what I needed. FML I'm gonna cancel this stupid date.”

“No you don't. Just wear other trousers, some that actually fit you and don't look like you got them from welfare 10 years ago.”

They had a point. Now that I took a closer look... the black jeans really looked fucked up.

I sighed and ran my hands over my face. Well, I'm fucked up so why not wear trousers that would give it right away. 

“The black cargo trousers we bought the other day!”, Hanji suggested with another message.

“Maybe, I don't know. I really don't feel like going at all atm. I'll be late and I still don't think this would work out anyway.”

“BS! Get your sorry ass to dress properly. Let him know that you'll be late and off you go! Do I have to leave the lab and drag you there?”

“No, don't come here.”

I opened a drawer and pulled out the black cargo trousers Hanji had mentioned. Quickly I changed them with the ones I was wearing and looked in the mirror again. Better, indeed. Nevertheless I less and less wanted to go on this date. It had taken Hanji and Moblit, their super attached boyfriend, weeks to convince me and if it wouldn't have been for them, I probably would never have accepted.

Hanji has been my flatmate since we both started university. They were kind of crazy and that's why we got along so well. While they spend day and night in the labs of the uni, blowing things up and mixing things together, I was a loner. I found a liking in being alone in high school already and living together with Hanji hasn't changed much in my daily routine.

When I enrolled in criminology and psychology I was preparing for an interesting study program but from the beginning decided to not try and make any friends. Well, I never was the kind of person who had many friends in the first place but I definitely wanted to concentrate on my courses and not live a typical student's life.

But since university and living in general was expensive as fuck and the money I had inherited from my mom wouldn't last forever, I was looking for someone to move in with me. I never wanted to live in the dorm – too noisy, too little privacy, too many people – so I have rented a 3 room apartment but soon figured out that I barely needed one room. But I really found a liking in the apartment so I wanted to keep and was searching for a flat mate.

I only had invited a hand full of people to actually have a look around and most pissed me off right away. Either with their rude stares or with their shitty behavior. And then there was Hanji. It was friendship on first sight. Two weirdos with their irks and quirks. 

We have been living together now for about eight years and while they were working on their master's degree in something I can't even pronounce, I took advanced classes focusing on profiling and prepared for applying for the FBI. One of my profs recommended me and they already showed an interest.

But how could I work for those fuckers if I wasn't even able to go on a date? 

My hands started shaking and I felt a bad wave of anxiety coming up. Shit. I was in control of them most of the time and they had gotten way better.

My longtime therapist, Dr. Arlert, had prescribed me some pills to find calm and peace for the night and since I took them, I was way more relaxed during the day too. Only sometimes I would have a bit of a panic attack, mostly in new situations, unknown places, too many people. 

And this fucking date was definitely a new situation for me. 

“Are you on your way yet?”, Hanji reminded me with a buzzing noise.

I took a few deep breaths and rolled my neck as I closed my eyes. 

My mind went blank for a moment and I finally was able to stop the shaking, to focus on the cool air in my bedroom, to hear the faint noise of the aircon.

“I can do everything I want. I can achieve everything I want. I am strong, I am a survivor.”, I prayed the well known mantra in my head a few times and then the buzzing of my phone ripped me out again.

Fuck you, Hanji! I'm gonna...

“I'll be late. Sorry, won't make it before 7:15. Please don't leave : ( I'm looking forward to see you!”

My heart stopped for a second as I read the message from Erwin.

Erwin, the guy that I had met online in a Facebook group for local musicians a few weeks ago. He was a bass player and was looking for a drummer for some nice jamming. Hanji, the old shit head, had linked me and yeah... that's how everything had started.

We have been writing every day since. First it was all about music, favorite bands, idols, influences. Erwin has been playing bass since he was 15 and had been in a semi successful rock cover band in high school. His favorite band ever were the Rolling Stones and his idol was Paul McCartney. 

About two weeks after we had started writing, I was the biggest Beatles fan on the whole fucking west coast and had set up my drum set the way Ringo Starr had used to. I had never really been interested in them, too soft probably, but Erwin got me curious.

But it was not only his great taste in music that made me somehow interested in him. He was friendly, open minded, interested in everything I said, knew so many things, always asked questions. Things had gotten more personal within short and before I had realized what was going on, I realized that I was developing something like a crush. 

Ridiculous, childish, not fitting for a 28 year old man that had anxiety and PTSD. I'd never had a real interest in someone – neither in terms of relationship nor sexual. As teenager, I had of course been curious but nothing really ever happened. 

When he asked when we wanted to meet for a jam session I backed out. I even blocked him on Facebook for almost 48 hours until Hanji and Moblit had talked into me.

I had apologized with some shitty excuse that my flat mate had blocked him and yeah – he had taken it, more or less.

Since then, we have been writing even more, exchanged mobile numbers – god knows why – and every few days, Erwin would ask if I would like to meet up. First it had been about jam sessions but then he more bluntly asked if I wanted to go on a date with him. 

In the beginning I had ignored his invitations but I couldn't deny that the urge to meet him got stronger and stronger. Dr. Arlert said that it was a good thing that I actually wanted to meet someone – regardless of the outcome – and Hanji and Moblit were the ones who gave me the final push.

“Levi, what do you have to lose? You can't close yourself up forever. You've made awesome progress with your therapy and you deserve to be happy, to go on a date, to fall in love with someone.” 

I felt my pulse heavy on my wrists and my throat.

Yes, I deserved to be happy. I deserved to go on a date with this guy that looked like a underwear model from what I could make out from his pics on Facebook. 

With a deep breath I reached for my phone.

“Don't worry, I'll be late too – sorry bout that. Don't stress yourself.”

The reply was sent and only second later Hanji popped up again.

“Moblit will take care of my experiment and I'll be home in 5 minutes. Should you still be there, I'll drag you there personally.”

I smiled.

“Who needs enemies when I have friends like you two nerds. I'm almost OMW – blondie will be late too.”

I changed to the black shirt below the gray buttoned shirt again and took a detour to the bathroom. A critical look into the mirror.

My fingers ran across the scar on my throat. Even after all these years, the scar was still visible. No longer dark and fleshy but faint and light. 

I quickly pulled away the fingers, reaching for the perfume and applied probably a bit too much before I ran my fingers through my hair one last time.

6:40 PM – time to go.

~~~

30 minutes later I was a sweating mess. It was far too hot and my stupid anxiety had made the bus ride quite thrilling. I had felt the stares, heard the unspoken questions and assumptions. I had wanted to get off and walk home more than twice and yet here I was. Standing in front of the bar that Erwin had suggested. 

While I tried to calm down, take a few nice deep breaths, I closed my eyes. My hands were in my pockets and the fingers of my right hand played with some coins. 

“I can do everything I want. I can achieve everything I want. I am strong, I am a survivor.” - the mantra wandered through my mind again.

“Levi?”, a unknown voice suddenly ripped me out of my thoughts again. 

My jaws pressed together as I lay my eyes upon this beautiful man. Fuck. 

I forced myself to smile while I quickly scanned his appearance.

About 1.90m – check.  
Blonde hair, faintly messy – he hurried to get here, probably was at the barber lately.  
Bright, blue eyes, sweaty dominant eyebrows – probably ran here?  
Freshly shaven cheeks with perfectly trimmed, small sideburns – definitely was at the barber lately or knows how to shave well.  
Heavy lifting wide chest under a white buttoned shirt – yep, definitely ran, probably from work.  
Big hands holding on this muscular thighs - some traces of ballpen on the back of his left hand, more proof for coming here straight from work.  
Sleeves rolled up, strong forearms showing – he tries to look casual besides coming from work, probably works out at least two times a week.  
Black slacks sitting perfectly on those long legs – he knows how to dress, probably grew a lot in a short amount of time before his 18th birthday.  
Black leather shoes – one shoelace was open, but he seemed too busy to care.

He was too busy. With coming closer while getting himself in an upright position again and greeting me with a warm smile.

Shit, I hadn't even agreed that I'm “Levi” as he asked. So I quickly pulled my hands out of my pockets and waved super awkwardly.

Quickly I put my hand down again, nodded instead and felt the heat running into my cheeks.

“Oh god, I'm so sorry that I'm late!”, he apologized and I soaked up his voice, could feel it in my bones as he got closer.

“Have you been waiting long?”, he asked and I immediately shook my head and inhaled his scent as he stood close before me.

“Okay, good then...”, he scratched his chin a bit awkwardly before smiling. “Can I give you a hug?”, he asked.

I froze, for a moment I just stared at him.

A hug. Something so simple, basic. Yet I couldn't do it. I slightly shook my head again. I tried to avoid his eyes and found nothing better to look at than his crotch.

“Okay, then... how about a hand shake?”, he asked, his voice hinting that he was smiling and when I looked up again, he was indeed smiling. Friendly, understanding and not at all disappointed.

A big hand was offered and despite hesitating a bit I shook his hand.

“Levi, it's so good to see you, finally.”, he re-assured me as I pulled away my hand rather quickly.

Touching someone always was a task for me. Always had been. Especially when the other person was more or less a stranger.

“Shall we sit down in the back? They have some shades up.”, Erwin suggested and I nodded, following through the bar where he seemed to know everyone, shaking hands, hugging and waving at people.

I felt like I didn't belong here at all. Not with this man who was so full of life.

We sat down on a small table near a willow, big sun shades providing shadow.

“Okay, first of all: Order whatever you want – I'll invite you and please don't hold back. I know you are studying at the moment and I've been there too. So please know, I really want to invite you and it's okay to order whatever you want.”, he spoke with determination and then opened the menu.

I quickly scanned through the drinks, beers, cocktails, then starters, salads, meat, fish, deserts.

I pulled out my mobile.  
“Rum & Coke, a small tuna salad, chicken burritos - no onions, more salad.” I typed and handed my mobile to Erwin.

“Gotcha.”, Erwin nodded and then got one of the waiters to our table.

I stared at him, examining his facial features, how his jaw and lips moved, his eyes brightened up, his eyebrows moved, even his fucking nose seemed to be moving. He was handsome. One of the most handsome men I ever had the honor to lay my eyes upon. And his voice – oh god, his voice was perfect. Smooth, deep, friendly, witty -

My phone was buzzing and I quickly pulled it towards me.

“I hope you enjoy your evening. If you have any problems, want to get picked up, need help or whatever the fuck – contact me. I'm here for you.”, Hanji had written.

“And Moblit says I have to write: Me too.”

I smiled as I replied. “Everything's okay so far. No too big panic attacks on my way here and Erwin is friendly.”

As I put down my phone and looked up, Erwin had his chin resting in his hand and was examining me with an interested smile.

I blinked and pulled back my head. 

“Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. It's just that... it seems so unreal to finally see you live... after what? Like two months?”, he said.

I nodded. Indeed two months. Two months, 1 week, 3 days in which we had gotten to know each other pretty well. Yet, there were some things I hadn't told him in detail. 

“So just to make sure. You want me to have a normal conversation with you and you'll type on your mobile?”, Erwin asked a bit insecure.

And I nodded, already typing on my mobile.

“Yes, I'm pretty fast with typing. As you can see right now.” - and showed him the display.

Erwin laughed. “Wow, that's really very fast. Impressive. I guess it comes along when adapting to this... situation?”, he asked.

I nodded again.

“As soon as I was able to get my hands on a mobile I started and with more than 20 years practice now it's pretty normal for me. If you feel freaked out about this, I can go.” - my insecurity striking at it's finest and I showed him the message before I even could think about it.

“No! No it doesn't freak me out. Please, Levi. Stay.”, he smiled gently.

I avoided his eyes but luckily our drinks were brought. We rose our glasses.

“To a great evening?”, Erwin suggested and I nodded as glass rang against glass.

Slowly the hot air was cooling down and the cold drink helped to cool from within. 

“Do you have a question for me at the moment?”, Erwin asked and I slowly picked up my mobile.

“How often do you work out? What do you work exactly, I didn't quite get that.” 

Erwin laughed and I pulled my head back a bit. Shit. I was too direct – I'm used to conversations with Hanji and Moblit and they didn't give a fuck about what I ask and how I ask. 

“Well... I try to hit the gym as often as possible but usually I don't find time for more than two times a week”.

I was right.

“And I can't talk so freely about my work, unfortunately. I'd love to tell you, but for the moment... could you live with: I work for the government and I promise I'm not a republican?”

I breathed out amused and gave him a bright smile.

“That's fine for me. Good thing you're not one of those... whatever. So what made you invite me tonight?”

Erwin leaned back and breathed out relaxed.

“I think you're interesting. You're in fact the first mute person I ever met ...” - I interrupted him with quite a “for real”-look. He wouldn't be the first person to be interested in me because I'm a fucking mute.

“Oh no, don't get me wrong, I don't think you are interesting because you're mute. You're interesting because you have a similar taste in music, we both like movies from the 80s, we're both musicians – and yes, I'd still love to jam with you – you're very passionate about your study program, you already hinted that you chose the field because of something in the past and if you allow me to ask, I'd really like to know more about you, your life, your past, you dreams and goals.”, Erwin spoke without pause.

I widened my nasal wings and reached for my drink.

Fuck. He was direct as well but in a less obvious way. Erwin really seemed to have an interest in me beyond “Cool, now I know a mute guy.”

Slowly I reached for my phone.

“Wow. That's quite a lot at once. Why not start with something simple. Tell me your shoe size.”

Erwin chuckled.

“11 – yours?”

“A fucking 7...” I put on a grumpy face.

“Well to me you are at least a 10.”, Erwin smiled charmingly and pressed his lips together as he reached for his glass.

I felt my cheeks getting hot. Did he just call me a 10/10 ? Why would...?

No, he must be joking.

“Don't make fun of me. I'm a tiny, grumpy mute guy with an ugly as fuck scar that you somehow didn't stare at until now.”

Erwin narrowed his eyebrows before he licked his lips.

“You are small, not tiny. You might not be the most friendly person on the first view but you are far from grumpy, at least towards me. You indeed do have a scar on your throat but I don't think it's ugly. And I don't stare at it because I want to see your eyes... you have beautiful eyes, Levi.”, he spoke gently.

I pressed my lips together, my eyes focused on the mobile in my hand.

“Was that a compliment?”

“Yes, it was.”, Erwin replied calm.

“Then... thanks, I guess? Sorry, I suck with this. My last date was in high school and you are too good looking to actually hang out with a freak like me.”

Erwin laughed and drank from his glass.

“So that was a compliment as well? Then, thank you. And I don't think you are a freak, Levi. You are a human being that probably had some obstacles to overcome that other people will never have to face. Don't think so bad about yourself.”

The gentleness in his voice and his eyes was almost unreal.

“I tend to think pretty bad about myself. And I usually am not the “people” person, so consider yourself the sole exception. If it wouldn't be for my flat mate and their partner, I wouldn't be here. Wanna thank them?”

My provocation failed.

“Yes, sure. If you give me their number, I'll call them right away.”, Erwin suggested.

He wouldn't dare – would he?

I searched for Hanji's contact and showed him the display. 

Erwin's fingers typed on his phone and before I realized that he would really call Hanji, my flat mate already was heard – loud as always.

“Hi. This is Erwin. I'm on a date with Levi, he told me you're his flat mate?”

“Yeah, right. We live together. Uhm... hi Erwin. I'm Hanji (“And I'm Moblit” was heard muffled from the back)”

“Hi Hanji and Moblit. So I just wanted to give you a quick call and thank you for convincing Levi to come here. He just told me that it's thanks to you that he's here with me now.”

“Ah, no problem. I've known that little monster for quite a few years now and I can promise you he's never talked so much about someone so-”

I slammed down my hand on the table and a loud noise interrupted the call. My face was glowing, I felt so fucking ashamed that Hanji would tell this to Erwin right now on the phone. We haven't even eaten yet and Hanji would humiliate me within the blink of an eye.

Erwin looked at me with widened eyes and Hanji sighed.

“Ah, he probably didn't like that, sorry. Nevertheless – just keep doing what you are doing. Enjoy your evening and take good care of him.”

“Thanks, I'll try my best.”

With shaking fingers I was typing hastily.

“It's not like that. Hanji got this totally wrong, I just was telling them a lot about you because you were the first person besides them and their boyfriend that I actually had conversations within … years.”

“It's okay, Levi. However it was, it is okay. I'm just happy to be here with you and I'm sorry if I overstepped a line by calling your flat mate.”

“No, that was actually pretty funny – I'd never have expected that from someone like you. That's a big plus actually. Hanji is just a shit head.”

Erwin laughed. 

“Someone like me? What do think about me?” , he asked with a wide smile.

“White collar job, pretty conservative besides being gay probably, not very spontaneous, strictly scheduled days, you get along with everyone – and again I ask you, why you are here with me?”

Erwin's eyebrows went up.

“That's quite interesting. But besides me being gay, you're very wrong.”, he laughed. “And I'm here with you because I want to get to know you better, from face to face.”

What? This really felt shitty. I was a perfect student in all my classes and my focus on profiling should not betray me here. But maybe I was wrong, because I already had a crush on this guy and my brain was just searching for an excuse to not change something in my life? To search for things I could dislike about him?

“Do you want to know what I think about you?”, he offered.

I nodded.

“You're a nerd for the things in your life. Be it drums, your study program, the books you read – jesus, I think I've never met someone in our age range who has read so many books – or the few people that you let close to you. And besides that you are pretty stubborn, you are afraid to get hurt, to let people get too close to you. You've never been in a relationship. And if there is just the slightest chance that I might be able to get closer to you, I'm willing to take this chance.”

I gulped heavily. Bull's eye!

“You're good. Very good.”

The food was finally brought and we ate silently. Erwin ordered a second round of drinks and after we had both finished eating, he just sat there and looked at me. His blue eyes resting on my face. It almost felt as if he was touching my skin with his gaze and I blinked ashamed, turning my head to the right.

“May I ask if that scar has anything to do with you being mute?”, he asked and breathed in sharply the second after. “Sorry, I shouldn't have asked. That's too-”

I lifted my hand to interrupt him and shook my head. We had written so much in the last weeks, had shared so much already and now I was on a date with this guy. When was the last time that I had allowed someone new in my life? Hanji and then Moblit probably. But someone that I felt more for then just friendship? Probably never? I had been too young to feel true love when I was a teenager and then I had blocked everything and everyone. 

“Mr. Ackerman, you are making good progress and I would like to give you a bigger task for this year. I want you to try to open up to someone new. Find a new friend, allow yourself to open up, to get – what you would call it – vulnerable. You can only profit by finding more people to support you. Your anxiety has gotten better and I feel like you are ready to make the next step.”, Dr. Arlert had told me in January.

The task had sounded impossible and yet here I was. On a date with a guy. Someone new in my life. Would he be able... willing to support me? Erwin only knew that I didn't like crowded places and I didn't like body contact too much.

So fuck it. My fingers ran over the display, I could feel Erwin's intense gaze and he was breathing deeply, his chest widening with every breath.

“Yes it has. My throat got cut when I was a kid, 7 years old. Luckily the wind pipe was not damaged too bad and they could patch me up. Unlike my mom. She died. My uncle was a lunatic and despite my mom always reporting to the police that he was hanging around our house and threatening her, they didn't listen. Because my mom was a prostitute they didn't take her for full. Until the evening my uncle totally lost it and wanted to kill us both. Then they came after a neighbor called them. Only to find my mom dead and me about to drown in my own blood while my uncle was sitting in the armchair and drinking a fucking Bud.”

To my own surprise my hands didn't shake. Usually when I'm upset, I hardly could hide my emotions but obviously Dr. Arlert was doing a good job.

Erwin was reading through the message and I could see his eyes widen, his lips slightly parting until he finally handed back my phone.

For a moment there was silence between us and I could hear the conversations of the other people in the garden of the bar. Erwin really had chosen a nice place here.

Erwin cleared his throat and took a deep breath. With an intense gaze he lifted his head.

“Levi, I'm sure you do not want to hear that people are sorry for you and I don't want to pity you. I want to thank you for telling me, for sharing, for trusting me and letting me know. I...”, he took a deep breath again.

“Can I please hug you? I really have the urge to give you something, but words are not suitable... so if you'd allow me?”, he asked while he already got up.

Shit shit shit. Panic took me. Telling something about my life was one thing – physical contact was another thing. Something I hardly had the chance to practice. 

My eyes widened as Erwin approached me and my heart was beating hard against my chest.

Erwin stood close, very close, I could smell his scent, felt his heat and yet he didn't move further, waiting for a reaction from me.

“I can do everything I want. I can achieve everything I want. I am strong, I am a survivor.” - the words pounded in my head.

Did I want this? My jaws pressed together as I slowly lifted my head and looked up at Erwin. Being sweaty, beautiful, well dressed and looking at me with the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

Hell yes, I wanted this. I wanted to give this a try. 

I slowly nodded and equally slow I lifted myself from the chair. Erwin's body was trembling as I was the one to slowly lift his arms. It felt unnatural, unpracticed, like I did it for the first time. But eventually my hands found their place on Erwin's broad shoulders and I could actually feel his hot skin through the fabric.

It felt good, not as strange as it used to in the past when I touched someone involuntarily.

Slowly he leaned in, his hands reaching for my arms.

“Let me know when it gets too much, okay?”, he whispered and I nodded. 

His hands gently lay around my wrist and slowly wandered over my lower arms. The almost unknown feeling of skin on skin was letting me shiver for a moment. When was I touched as gentle like this the last time?

“You okay?”, Erwin wanted to know and I nodded again.

His hands found their way on my upper arms, now my shirt between and while his left hand was wandering over my chest, his right hand was reaching for my neck. 

I froze. My eyes widened and there it was. A full grown panic attack out of the middle of nowhere.

Boom! Everything slowed down.

I pushed Erwin away. My ears were ringing and I couldn't understand what he was saying. I could see his lips move and obviously read his lips, but it didn't make any sense. Excusing, sad eyes looked at me and my heart was beating like crazy.

But I didn't care. All I wanted to do was to get out of here. Get home.

I ran. I literally ran through the bar, bumping into someone because my vision got blurry from the tears.

I ran until my lungs were burning, until I could no longer blink the tears away, until the feeling of the touch on my neck would disappear.

Out of puff I held on to a lamp post and tried to catch my breath.

Hanji... I needed to contact them, let them know … they should pick me up.

When I reached for my phone and couldn't find it I hastily frisked all pockets...

FUCK! I've forgotten that shit thing on the fucking table. 

No no no no no! I'm stupid. I'm a stupid idiot. Panic was replaced by anger. I kicked the lamp post and an animal like, unnatural sound left my lips.

Fuck!

I had no idea where I had been running and so I tried to navigate to the next main road and fetched a taxi home.


	2. Chapter 2

“Levi. What happened? Did he do something to you? Should we call the police?”, Hanji greeted me at the door, Moblit looking over their shoulder. Both looked concerned.

In sign language I quickly explained.

“No cops, he didn't 'do' something. He wanted to give me a hug, I panicked when he touched my neck. I forgot my phone.”

“Yeah, he called me. Saying that you left in a hurry and that you forgot your phone. He sounded pretty upset but I wasn't sure if he was just making something up. Good lord, come in.”, Hanji stepped aside and I entered the well known apartment.

“Do you want to take a cold shower? Should I make you pancakes? Do you need anything?”, Hanji was asking - according to the “Levi had a panic attack”-protocol.

I shook my head. Surprisingly I really felt good now. The panic was gone faster than ever before, less than an hour. 

“Okay, good. Do you want me to call him? Do you want my phone and write to him?”, Hanji offered and and I nodded to the latter.

Hanji handed me their phone and I could already see that they had saved Erwin in their contacts.

“It's me. Levi. I'm sorry. I'm fucked up and you just witnessed it first hand. I'd just like to have my phone back then you never have to see me again.”

In a memo I typed for Hanji: “Can I have your phone until I have this settled?”

“Yes sure, just let me know if you need anything. We're here for you!”, their voice was concerned.

“Thanks, I'll let you know should your mom write.”

~~~

On the next day we already met again. I needed my phone back asap and Erwin – for whatever reason – didn't stress me too much in our texting. Probably he would want to talk to me face to face again...

I could see him from afar. Tall, well dressed, this time his hair was in perfect shape. He was standing with his back towards me, his body language tense.

“Hey. I'm sorry again for last night. And I'm sorry for the trouble with my phone. Just wanted to 'say' it to your face instead of letting you send it to me by post.”, I typed and then poked against Erwin's arm.

He gave a small jump and turned around, blinking as his eyes wandered from the phone to me. 

“Oh Levi. Don't be sorry. I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't know that I could … provoke a panic attack.”, his voice was soft, hurt, apologizing.

“Trigger – the word you can and may correctly use is 'trigger'. And it's not your fault, I'm just fucked up and probably will always be. So no need to apologize.”

“But you clearly said you don't like body contact and yet I was the one who wanted to give you a hug. That was selfish from me.”, he declared while his eyebrows narrowed.

A chuckling noise left my throat – his eyebrows were ridiculous. Erwin gave me a confused look.

“Do you know that your eyebrows look like two wings when you do that?”

Erwin blinked, irritated, licking his lips before he asked: “What?”

“Sorry, I'm being silly. I'm not an appropriate conversation partner for someone as perfect as you. You wanted to be nice the other day and I'm just not capable of handling things that should be normal.”

“I'm sure you have your reasons and I … Levi, if there's any way how I can make up for what I've messed up?”, he asked desperately.

“Why would you want to make up for anything. You're totally fine and perfect. I'm the mess.”

“You are no mess, Levi. You are a person with a story. And as I said before: I'd love to get to know your story and get to understand you. If you see any chance that I might be worth your time, please give me this chance.”, he almost whispered.

I took a deep breath. Why was this man so eager to stay in contact with me? 

“Why would you want that? Was my demonstration not enough?”

“Because I really like you Levi. I … want to get to know you better and be there for you. As a friend if you'd like that.”, he explained.

For a moment we just looked at each other and I could see the honesty in his eyes.

“I still don't get why... but my therapist gave me the task to let another person into my life this year... so if you'd actually want to give it a try?”

And I really meant it – this guy seemed to be really willing to handle me with all there was to it.

“Oh god, thank you, Levi. Really.”, he sighed relieved.

“But please be honest with me. Always. I'll do the same.”

“I promise.”

~~~

Over the next weeks Erwin and me regularly met. Sometimes at my place where he also got know Hanji – and obviously Moblit who was almost living with us – sometimes we would go out and we also had our first jam session.

God, Erwin was one of the smoothest bass player I've ever encountered. He just had it – this feeling, this connection with his instrument and while his fingers effortlessly ran the strings I stared. He looked so good, so handsome, so content with himself – it was unreal. 

His big hands held the raven black instrument firm, confident and while on the first view one might think his fingers were too big, they were agile as fuck. Smoothly his fingers ran over the neck, created tones and melodies that would give me goosebumps.

The muscles of his whole torso were moving below the fabric of his dark blue t-shirt and his eyes were closed. His face giving away the most awesome expressions as his jaw pressed together, his tongue wet his lips, his eyebrows had a life on their own.

I lost it. I totally lost it about this guy and although I had been a good drummer I would lose my rhythm when I looked at Erwin long enough.

Erwin then would open his eyes, give me a gentle smile while I was wiping away the sweat with a towel.

“That was awesome Levi. The part were I did the Dunn-Dunn-Duuuuuun-Duuuun-Dunn”, his voice imitating a bass in the cutest way imaginable and I snorted amused trough my nose. “You just had it there, wow – that was supplementing this line so well. Now why don't you lead and I'll follow?”, he suggested as he reached for the water bottle.

I widened my nasal wings and took a few deep breaths. I'd never before jammed with someone – to follow along what someone played was okay but now giving the lead? With nothing more than my drum set?

“Just give it a go – I'll find into it.”, he encouraged me and I pressed my jaws together.

I nodded before I got to it.

My play was rough, hard, dirty – and fast. I had started with the drums in my late teens and it was a form of dealing with all my issues. I had been involved in quite some fights in school and always was about to go right through the roof top, to hit someone when they gave me a look.

And then my old therapist had suggested boxing or playing drums as an outlet. Since I hated anything that has to do with sport, having physical contact with others or sharing a changing room with strangers, the drums were my choice.

I had build up muscles real quick by beating the shit out of a drum set every day for hours. And to my surprise all my aggressions had turned towards the drums and turned into readiness to learn, eagerness to improve.

And I did.

Now, about ten years later, I played the drums almost daily but no longer for hours. Mostly to calm myself down, to lift my mood or... to actually have a fucking jam session with Erwin.

So when I now was leading our rather strange duet, Erwin was blinking quite impressed and he tried to follow my rhythm, getting a feeling for it. His hands were tapping on the wooden instrument, his body moving along with it.

And then he got it.

From one second to another he joined in. And it worked. He was able to adapt to my rather brutal play and with a smile he was giving me a pleasant look.

We jammed for a few hours – trying some Beatles and Stones covers before giving my favorite bands a try. Slipknot, Systems of a Down . And god was Erwin brilliant again. Did he practice those?

After our first jam session we locked ourselves up regularly and I enjoyed it more than anything else. This man was too great to be real and I just waited for the moment I'd lose him for whatever reason or he would no longer show up.

I really fell for him, more than I'd ever fallen for someone before and yet I wouldn't dare to do anything besides hanging out with him, getting to know him better.

Sometimes the feeling of “being a burden” became stronger but Dr. Arlert re-assured me that this would go away. I just would need to be honest with this new person in my life.

But it was hard for me. 

I had no problems in telling him more about me and my issues. What could trigger me. Since my uncle had held me by the neck when he slit my throat, my neck was the ultimate trigger point. Earlier in my life I hadn't even been able to wear a scarf. 

Since I had almost drowned in my own blood while lying on the carpet which my uncle had dirtied with his boots, I wasn't too fond of bathing, the ocean or anything with lots of water and I couldn't see any blood.

When I had been taken to the hospital the ER was crowded and while I was rushed to a doctor I had – involuntarily – been touching a lot of people while fighting for my life. That's why I was no big fan of crowds or being close to strangers in general.

Telling him all this felt good especially since Erwin wasn't driven away by it. He would listen, ask questions, show an interest and seemed to get the whole point about me pretty quickly.

What was indeed a problem for me, was forming words to describe what he was for me. Whenever I saw him my heart would beat faster, my hands got a bit sweaty and when I inhaled his scent I felt dizzy. This was something I couldn't tell him because I didn't know how to explain.

So I was talking with Dr. Arlert and Hanji and Moblit about it. All three of them assured me that I had a crush on Erwin. The man I had met online and whom I've already found a liking in by writing with him, became my real life fantasy made of flesh. 

“And the best thing is: He's into you, as well!”, Hanji explained while they poured me another glass of wine.

“How would you know?”, I asked in sign language, the alcohol slowing down my typing.

“Oh come on, Levi. The way he looks at you? The way he smiles at you? The way he talks to you? The way he interacts with you? He really is curious about you, wants to get to know you. Why would you want to get to know someone like you if you wouldn't have a crush on them?”, Hanji laughed an Moblit flicked their nose.

“Levi, I also wanted to get to know you, when things with Hanji and me proceeded. So don't listen to them about the last point BUT nevertheless I agree that Erwin is into you. I'm 100% convinced that he just doesn't make further moves or speak it out because he's afraid to drive you off, again. So Levi, you gotta pull yourself together and be the one to do the next step – if you want. You've been dating each other now for how long? Two months? Three months?”, Moblit spoke, his voice hinting that he was quite drunk already.

“We are not dating!”, I signed and Hanji and Moblit started to laugh.

“What's so funny about that. We're just friends and I don't want to destroy that friendship that I built.”

“Okay, and Dr. Arlert also says you're 'just friends'? Come on, Levi. You can lie to yourself but not to your therapist and your only friends.”, Hanji demanded and wiggled with their eyebrows.

“Don't you wanna do other things as well?”, they asked and landed a pretty sloppy kiss on Moblit's cheek.

I took a deep breath. 

“I don't know. Besides kissing with girls … nothing ever happened.”, I signed and Moblit widened his eyes.

“You're a virgin? You're 28 and a virgin? Wow! Levi, that's quite impressive.”, he shouted out.

“Don't be rude, honey. Everyone at their time.”, Hanji defended me but then poked my knee. “But don't you think Erwin would be the guy to give it a try?”

I took a deep breath.

“Maybe. I'm curious, of course... and I might really be into him more than just friends, but how should that even work?”

“I'm sure the two of your will be creative enough to figure something out. Erwin is a fucking gentleman and you just have to give him the right signs.”, Hanji explained and I pressed my lips together for a moment.

“Maybe you are right. When will be the next time you two spend a night at the lab?”

“Friday – we have a big test running on the weekend, can't miss a second.”, Moblit informed me and Hanji gave me a gentle smile.

“Don't feel forced, Levi. Everything at its time.”

~~~

“And for how long are you planning to go on like this?”, Mike asked after he dragged on his cigarette.

“As long as it takes... I'm not even sure if Levi is into me. I'm not even sure if he's gay.”, Erwin replied and took a sip from his coffee.

“Okay, assuming he's both, into you and gay, if you are not speaking it out, nothing will ever happen since he seems to be the kind of guy that's not taking hints.”, Nanaba commented as she looked up from her phone.

“We're talking about Levi in every lunch break since... weeks. Erwin, please do yourself and us a favor and tell him that you want to be together with him. He's been sticking around you for so long now, I'm sure that if he's into you, and I really think he is from what I hear from you, you two will figure out a way to make it work.”, Nanaba said with a smile.

Erwin sighed and ran a hand over his face.

“I don't want to drive him off. Especially after I said that I wanted to be there for him as a friend if he'd like that.”, Erwin declared.

“Yeah, but this might be the exact point why you have to address your feelings. You're going to suffer if this goes on like this.”, Mike commented.

Erwin took a deep breath. “He doesn't even know what I do for a living. You two were lucky enough to meet each other here. Our contract says that I may not tell him before we have been together for at least... how long? 6 months? And that's bullshit. I promised to be honest with him.”

“Fuck the contract. If you are going to tell him about your feelings just spit that out too. Nobody will ever know.”, Nanaba concluded and boxed Erwin's thigh and Mike nodded.

“And you have to consider that this might actually turn Levi away from you... I mean you took him over from Shadis but nevertheless he's your patient.”, Mike sighed.


	3. Chapter 3

“Friday, 8 PM, my place?”, I typed on Wednesday morning before I got on my bike and drove to uni.

When I arrived there five minutes later Erwin's answer made my smile.

“Yes sure. Should we cook something? I'll bring all we need : ) For four people?”

“No, the nerds are in the lab. We can also go somewhere.”, I replied as I felt the urge to offer him an opportunity to back out from being alone with me in my home.

“I'm fine either way, but one day I'd really like to cook for you. Just for you.”

My heart skipped a beat before I replied.

“Okay, 8 PM then. You can cook for me, if you'd like to.”

Time until Friday couldn't fly fast enough and when finally Hanji and Moblit left the house with their sleeping bags, tons of energy drinks and snacks, I jumped under the shower.

7:30 PM – not much time left. I felt nervousness taking over. Like on the day we had had our first date. And it was kind of a premiere again. Erwin and me alone in my apartment.

Shit. While I was washing my body, I felt insecure and my thoughts were spinning. My mood changing from one second to another.

Did I really want this? Hell yes – I wanted this.  
What would I actually hope for? What would I be able to initiate, to tell him? Anything at all?

Should I shave? Like … down there? Fuck. I had no idea.

Panic started to rise and I wouldn't want to have a full grown panic attack now so I tried to pull myself together.

“You won't fuck tonight. You'll maybe – if you are brave enough – kiss and make out a bit. No need to hurry, no need to stress yourself.”, I told myself and slowly my breath steadied again.

I had set an alarm to 7:50 PM and when it went off I still wasn't feeling prepared for what to come. I left the shower, went straight to my bedroom and chose a comfy but well fitting shorts together with a lose shirt. It was hot nevertheless and although the aircon was running in every room – tonight I probably wouldn't be able to cool down. Not until I knew what was going to happen. How this would go on.

At 8:00 PM the doorbell rang and I hastily run my fingers through my still wet hair.

Erwin looked smoking hot. He wore shorts as well and the white shirt had a low neckline and I shamelessly stared at his chest for a second before I greeted him with a smile.

“Hey – are the nerds already gone? I've brought ice for all of us.”, he greeted me as I stepped aside and nodded.

“Well.. more for us then, right?”, he chuckled as I took one of the bags out of his hand.

We put everything in the fridge and then sat down on the kitchen counter, each with a popsicle.

Somehow I felt hesitant to suck on the cooling ice, didn't want to give Erwin any wrong idea and he lifted his eyebrows. “Everything alright? The ice will melt if you don't eat it.”, Erwin asked and I nodded.

Shit. He licked and sucked on that fucking strawberry-whatever ice and my mind started imagining that he would suck something else like this. Holy shit. I really have build up a lot of tension.

In the last weeks my almost forgotten libido slowly came back. And while I imagined Erwin and a lot of things that could happen between us, I jerked off more and more often. It was strange to discovery my body in this sensual way as a full grown up man, but I probably just had needed those years of therapy to get some things fixed in my head.

And now that the blonde hunk was sitting here in front of me, sucking on that fucking ice, my body somehow reacted to it right away. My dick started to get hard since my brain thought I'd be a good idea to imagine that he'd blow me that way.

When the ice started to run over my fingers, I hastily took the ice in my mouth. I sucked and licked on it – making quite the odd noises and Erwin held still for a moment. His chest widened and … did he actually blush?

Shit. This was awkward as fuck – for both of us and I blushed as well while I was licking my smeared fingers.

“Well... should we start cooking?”, Erwin broke the situation and I nodded eagerly.

~~~

“That was incredibly good. Thank you again!”, I typed when we sat down on the couch.

He had made salad with an awesome apple lime dressing as starters. Then had followed caramelized carrots, eggplants and zucchinis with rice, tomato sauce and chicken breast. And the two popsicles that were meant for Hanji and Moblit had been our dessert – this time without ambiguous situations but lots of conversation about his cooking skills. Everything had tasted like from a fucking 5 star chef.

“Thanks for letting me cook for you.”, he smiled as he opened two beers and handed me one.

Our fingers touched for a split second and I felt a shiver run down my spine. Erwin seemed to pull away quickly and I pressed my lips together as I pulled the bottle close.

Fuck, I was so fucking nervous and I had to take care that I wouldn't get into a panic attack. But … oh god, he looked so fucking good. I wanted to be brave and proud of myself. Hanji, Moblit and Dr. Arlert, they all had encouraged me – each with their unique way and yet, sitting next to him made it difficult to think clearly.

From the corner of my eye I examined him again and immediately my heart rate rose again. But how should I... ? How could I even dare to approach him?

“Levi?”, his voice brought my attention back to his eyes. His beautiful eyes that I could stare at for hours.

“Is everything okay?”, he asked – as so many times before, because I was fucked up and he fucking cared.

I nodded, pulled out my phone.

I took some nice deep breaths and put down the beer on the table to write.

I had talked about it with Hanji, Moblit, Dr. Arlert and I had read a lot online. I tried to overcome my anxiety towards it and yet, now sitting next to Erwin, to the man I had a crush on, I couldn't play it cool. I'd need to be honest once more. If I could tell him about my trauma and all the issues coming along with it – why was I so hesitant to let him know?

There was no fucking reason to not tell him. He fucking cared for me and the problem was just that I had to overcome my own anxiety. And I wanted to. So I pulled myself together and typed.

“Erwin, I'm shitty at this. At everything concerning social interaction. Especially since I've had a crush on you the whole fucking time. When we had started writing it started and when I got to know you it got worse. I do have feelings for you that are beyond those I have for Hanji or Moblit. And I've never felt like this before. So it's probably love or something like that. Fuck. I even suck when writing it. I don't know how to handle this, how to to handle you. I've literally zero experience with men and with all my issues about getting touched, I don't know how this should work out. And I'm probably gonna end up with a panic attack anyway.”, I typed with shaky fingers and handed him the phone.

I avoided his eye contact, grabbed my beer and emptied it in one rush. It tasted bitter and refreshing, cooled me down a bit.

“Levi...”, Erwin's voice was soft and gentle after he'd read the text. “Thank you for being honest. I really, really appreciate it.”, he took a deep breath.

“I feel the same, Levi. I have feelings for you and I'm afraid. I don't want to drive you away so I rather wouldn't do anything and just be happy with your company.”, he smiled and his eyes focused on mine.

My mouth opened and I closed it again. I took my mobile back.

“Okay, that's quite a surprise...”

“I'm sorry, Levi. You are very dear to me and I tried to comfort you, be there for you as a friend. But by doing so I fell for you.”

“Don't be sorry... it's basically cool that we both have feelings for another. Don't you think?”

“I'm indeed very happy that we both have been carrying this around with us.”, Erwin agreed with a gentle smile.

“It's just that. I don't know how to continue? What to do?”, I typed.

Erwin let out a soft chuckle.

“That's completely up to you, Levi. I'm not gonna rush you for anything.”

I gulped heavily – my anxiety and insecurity piled up but got destroyed by my curiosity and those unknown feelings inside me. All thanks to Erwin. This wonderful man that was now sitting on my couch and just told me, he felt the same for me.

I put down my phone and with my other hand reached for the beer in Erwin's hand and put it on the table.

Erwin's eyebrows wandered up as my hands reached for his shoulders, gently running over toned muscles that were jerking beneath my touch. His skin felt hot and soft, desireable – something I'd never experienced up until now.

I pressed my lips together as I re-positioned my self, straddling Erwin's lap and he let out a surprised gasp, his eyes now widening as I sat on his lap, facing him, the very distance from the last weeks gone.

It felt great. I felt great. The blood was getting pumped through my body faster as my heart rate rose.

My hands wandered over Erwin's arms – all well formed and strong and then back to his shoulders. With a mischievous smile my fingers ran over his chest and Erwin pressed his lips together.

I felt empowered. Safe and happy.

I was able to touch him without any force, without any unspoken words between us. I was the one who had confessed first and now I got rewarded with a beautiful man under me, touching him...

Kissing. I wanted to kiss him.

Me eyes focused on his beautiful blue ones and with a heavy gulp I lay my hands on his throat and jaw.

Fuck, he felt so unbelievable good. Strong and soft, masculine and gentle. His body reacted to my hands as he let out a soft gasp as I came closer with my lips.

But something was off. Something wasn't right. I furrowed my eyebrows and pulled back my head.

“What it is?”, Erwin whispered while holding his breath.

My hands let go off him and I reached for my phone.

“Can you please touch me? I really want to feel your touch. Just not the neck.”

Erwin's expression changed from slightly panicked to a gentle smile.

“I'd love to.”, he whispered and his hands rose from the couch and started to wander over my thighs. My legs jerked and I pressed my eyes together for a moment.

But the panic didn't come, instead a nice and new feeling spread through my body. Being touched by those big yet gentle hands, was different.

I opened my eyes and put my hands on Erwin's neck and jaw again.

“Before we do this, there's something I gotta te-”, I interrupted Erwin as a brave smile crossed my face as I leaned in and united our lips.

His lips were hot and soft and as inhaled deeply trough my nose, I could smell his perfume, his own scent.

I drowned in the moment.

~~~

About an hour later I was horny as fuck. As horny as I've never been before. First it was just gentle, careful kisses. It developed to biting, sucking while my hands were all over Erwin's perfect body and his hands slowly but steadily explored my legs, my sides, my torso, my arms and shoulders. He carefully avoided my neck and throat which I was really thankful for.

My boner was pressing hard against my shorts and I could feel Erwin's bulge between my thighs. Soft moans filled the living room and the aircon seemed to fail its job.

I was sweating, I felt hot, I wanted more.

My hands reached for the blonde locks and with a controlled move I pulled back Erwin's head. His lips were all read, shiny and saliva was running down his chin as I licked my lips.

Both our breathings were fast, shallow and left our lips as faint gasping.

“More.”, I formed with my lips without making a sound and Erwin's eyes widened.

“More?”, he spoke out and I pressed my jaws together and nodded.

I got off Erwin's lap, grabbed his hand and pulled him with me – not before I put my phone in my pocket.

I wanted this, I wanted him.

I rushed to my bedroom, Erwin hardly could hold the pace and he seemed to struggle with the boner in his shorts.

As soon as the bedroom door was closed, Erwin let go of my hand. My eyebrows furrowed as I gave him a questioning look.

“Levi, there's still something I want to... I need to tell you before you want to go any further.”, his voice almost cracked.

My lips formed a narrow line as my hands clenched to fists and I felt anxiety coming up. Why would he want to destroy this moment? Why – after we already confessed – would he want to bring up something that obviously wouldn't be much fun to talk about?

“Can we please sit down?”, he asked with a calm voice and sat down on the edge of my bed, his boner still visible but slowly fainting.

I gulped heavily as I approached Erwin, struggling to catch my breath. I was aroused, I was curious about this man and his body, and yet he needed to tell me something? Did he actually not like me? Was this all just a big joke?

My knees were shaking as I sat down next to him.

“Levi. You once asked me about my job and I told you I couldn't tell you right away. According to my contract, I still am not allowed to tell you since only close relatives, partners of a least 6 months and my own children would be allowed to know. But I promised to be honest with you. And since I feel like I'm betraying you if I don't tell you the whole truth, I want to tell you now.”, Erwin's voice was calm but shaking.

I gulped heavily as I clawed my fingers in the fabric of my shorts while I still pressed my jaws together.

The atmosphere in my bedroom was tense and if I could, I would have shouted that he should spit it out already. I felt that I was about to lose control of my emotions – the stress of the situation bringing up my ugly side again.

But as I let my eyes wanders to the big blonde man next to me, I saw panic. Pure and human panic as if he was about to face his own death. And it tied my throat to see this perfect man like this. Vulnerable and afraid.

“What I will tell you, might upset you and I want you to know, it's okay to react however you want.”, Erwin almost whispered before he took another deep breath.

My jaws were pressing together and my ears were ringing as I tried to focus on Erwin's face. The only thing that seemed to be real at the moment – but yet this moment was so unreal after the wonderful evening I had spend with Erwin.

“I work for a high security state prison that deals with people who have committed crimes and are never allowed back into society since they are a threat due to their mental health. I'm a psychiatrist. Me and my colleagues are not allowed to talk about it for our own security.”, Erwin declared slowly.

I could feel my heart pound heavy in my chest.

“And I've been treating your uncle, Kenny, since more than half a year.”, his voice cracked and his chin sank on his chest as he closed his eyes.

And then I could no longer feel anything at all.


	4. Chapter 4

“Fuck!”, Erwin kicked the ashtray and it started to wiggle while Mike narrowed his eyebrows and stepped back.

“Give me a cigarette.”, Erwin demanded and Mike was the last one to deny his friend's request. Nanaba let out a deep sigh and patted Erwin on the shoulder.

With shaking hands Erwin reached for the cigarette and Mike gave him a lighter.

While he dragged on the cigarette and the heavy smoke filled his lungs, he closed his eyes.

“If you wouldn't mind telling me, too? I know you called my hubby about it yesterday already but he wouldn't tell me.”, Nanaba spoke quietly.

Erwin exhaled the smoked and gulped heavily, his jaws pressing hard together.

“I fucked up. I should have given Kenny to one of you two guys and only then proceed with Levi. He... I was … “, Erwin's voice cracked as he shook his head. “I fucked up. I fucked Levi up and I fucked up anything that we could have been. I'm a selfish, stupid idiot.”

“Kenny was the trophy everyone of us wanted to have. Everyone was jealous that Shadis gave him to you when he decided to move away.”, Nanaba said calmly.

Erwin breathed out with an ironic smile on his face.

“But you were the one that he entrusted with him – so it's okay that you didn't want to  
give him away.”, she assured him.

Erwin dragged on the cigarette again, his lungs were burning but he pressed his eyes together and let the smoke in once again.

“But then I should not have gotten closer to Levi. What was I even thinking?”, Erwin shouted and then coughed as the smoke became an enemy from within.

“You obviously weren't thinking that much – but that's what happens when we fall in love.”, Mike explained on point. “You don't want me to give you the whole talk on the chemica-”

“No, I don't. But nevertheless I was an ignorant asshole. You two also were pretty rational and tried to give me a talk but I just … wanted to be happy. With my job and with my personal life.”, Erwin said and sat down on the small bench.

“And that's fine. You told him the truth and he asked for it.”, Nanaba said.

“But considering his mental condition I either should have lied, given Kenny away or left Levi alone. So I'm a fucking asshole.”, Erwin grunted and dragged on the cigarette again.

“Giving up Levi is no option, you've fallen for him. And as Nana just said; he wanted you to always be honest with him. So the only thing you might want to do now is give Kenny away. And then you might be able to fix this situation.”, Mike concluded.

“How should I be able to fix this? I shattered Levi into pieces, he destroyed half his furniture and I had to call his flat mate. He would scratch me, try to bite and punch me, he was spitting on me, kicking at me and fell in a total frenzy.”, Erwin whispered and pressed his jaws together.

“Ouch, okay that's quite a bit.”, Nanaba breathed in heavily.

“His flat mate and their boyfriend were able to calm him down... but you should have seen their looks. They were disappointed and sad – not even angry, just devastated how this could happen. And all I could do was watch as Levi finally had a breakdown, sobbing while tears ran down his cheeks, his whole body was trembling and then I was asked to leave.”, Erwin closed his eyes and gulped heavily before taking a deep breath.

“Levi's look, the final look he gave me before I left... it was heartbreaking. He looked broken, shattered, empty and above all he silently was asking me “Why? How could you?” - and since then I haven't heard from him.”, Erwin's voice cracked and he ran a hand across his face.

“Okay, just to get this right. From Kenny's files you knew that were was a survivor, his nephew. You knew his name, birth date, the foster-family he grew up in and how he had survived.”, Nanaba summarized and Erwin nodded.

“When you got to know Levi on Facebook you didn't know that he was Kenny's nephew right away, right?”

“No, just shortly before we met … his PTSD symptoms and the picture he sent me, on which I was able to see the scar. Also that he wanted to work with the FBI due to something from his past. I had a clue but it still could have been a coincidence.”, Erwin declared.

“And at that point you already had a crush on him?” - Erwin nodded.

“When did you know for sure he had to be Kenny's nephew?”, Nanaba wanted to know.

“On our first date. When he'd written down a brief summary of the events that caused his PTSD and him being mute.”, Erwin replied.

“Okay, so you did not meet him with the intention to combine your thrilling work space with your private life? Like working with Kenny here and also trying to treat his nephew outside?”

“Oh god, no! Nana, please. Do you really think I'm such a freak?”, Erwin asked quite shocked and looked at the woman.

“No, not really. Just wanted to make sure.”, she shook her head.

“I never tried any treatment methods with Levi, my private life is not my work life. I got the idea that his therapist is a good one and when he told me about his progress since the incident, I didn't even feel the need to overstep this line. All I did was treat him with respect and yeah, maybe I asked a few more times if everything was okay, but a PTSD can have many triggers and I just wanted to make sure that I was aware of anything that might make him feel uncomfortable.”, Erwin spoke calmly and threw away the cigarette.

“Fuck, Erwin. You are such an upright, good man. What the hell is wrong with you?”, Nanaba asked with a gentle smile.

“Obviously I fucked everything up with a few sentences – so maybe there's something wrong with me.”, he sighed.

“Do you want Levi?”, Mike now asked bluntly.

“What?”

“Do you want Levi? As a friend, partner – anything non-patient like – do you want him in your life?”

“Yes, I'd love to.”

“Then fucking work for it. Tell Zackly you can't have Kenny anymore and give him away. Make up a bullshit excuse if needed. Then start building up your thing with Levi again. It might be a shitload of work but if you really want Levi... it will be worth it.”, Mike concluded and handed Erwin another cigarette.

~~~

I haven't left the apartment for almost a week now. Hanji had informed the head of my study program about the situation so I was excused. Prof. Dawk always has been fully aware of my situation and he would be very understanding whenever I needed a break.

My day and night rhythm was completely fucked up since I couldn't find sleep for more than a maximum of 60 minutes before some bullshit nightmare would rip me out of my sleep. I would shower every few hours, would only eat pancakes with maple syrup and drink tons of green tea. So at least I wouldn't dehydrate or starve.

I dragged myself from my computer to my bed and back. Between reading tons of books and binge watching tv shows I tried to stay sane. Well, everything potentially triggered a panic attack at the moment.

The feeling of being numb, lifeless, an empty shell overcame me every other hour and I felt the strong urge to harm myself. I had done so when I was younger but with the help of Dr. Arlert and his precursor I was able to develop other methods.

I'd take an ice cold shower to get my body stimulated. I'd rub my tongue against my gums until it felt really strange. I'd press my hands together with all force until my arms hurt.

I'd have loved to go play the drums – but leaving the apartment was no option at the moment. Even when people passed by the kitchen window I felt panic rising. Unknown voices, laughter – I automatically assumed they would laugh about me. The freakish creature that I was. Mute, scarred, fucked up.

Hanji only had experienced this extreme form of my PTSD and my anxiety once. Shortly after we had moved in, in our first semester, I had a group of fellow students over for the preparation of a presentation.

One of them – how should they have known – put his arm around my shoulders. Needless to say that I snapped. I almost had broken their arm and while the others tried to separate us – touching me – I got more violent.

Hanji ended up with a broken nose and the other students were fucking scared of me. I hadn't attended uni for one or two weeks after that and when I came back, obviously everyone knew about it.  
I was marked as the freak, the psycho – whatever you wanna call it. And this was also when Dr. Arlert encouraged me to talk to the head of my study program about the situation.

“Levi?”, Moblit knocked on my door and put his head through the opened door.

I gestured him to come in.

“Hey, so uhm... Hanji and me would need to go to the lab for a bit. If that's okay with you. Otherwise I'll stay here and Hanji will go, it's their experiment.”

I grabbed my phone.

“No worries. You two go and blow something up and I'll just watch another season of … I don't know yet what. But please don't feel forced to be in the apartment all the time. I'm fine.”

“Okay... but please contact us if there's anything. You need anything before we go?”

“Can you bring me a new bottle of maple syrup?”

“Yeah, sure. I saw it's almost empty. So take care – and see you later.”

I raised my hand and waved him goodbye.

My eyes lay on the demolished door. I had pushed Erwin against it with all force and then tried to land a punch at his face but he crouched and I hit right in the wooden door.

My mirror was broken, my night stand could no longer stand, my monitor was now flickering in the upper right corner. I fucked up big.

And above all I had been willing to hurt someone that cared for me. Someone that wanted to be in my life, with me – despite all my issues. Yet he had fucked up equally by telling me something that would destroy so much in me – so much between us.

I grabbed my phone again.

My nasal wings widened as I opened my conversation with Erwin.

_“I'm fine either way, but one day I'd really like to cook for you. Just for you.”_

_“Okay, 8 PM then. You can cook for me, if you'd like to.”_

Just for me. And I had gladly eaten what he had cooked for me. I had been so fucking brave and happy and had gotten rewarded with kissing, making out … and then he destroyed it.

Why did he not contact me? Out of fear? Out of respect? Or was he done with me?

Only one way to find out...

“Hey. I'm still alive should you be wondering.”, I typed and got up to boot my computer.

Before my system has started up, my phone was buzzing.

“Hey. I'm so relieved to hear from you. I didn't want to bother you. I'm... so incredibly sorry for what happened.”

“Not your fault alone. You should have told me earlier or not at all. The timing was fucked up.”

“I know, I'm such a big idiot... but I guess that can happen when you have feelings for someone. But that's a BS excuse. I'm so sorry, Levi. I really am. Is there any chance you want to see me again?”

“I could have been more pressing about your job, too. You were only available via text at certain times, so I guess that's due to the security guidelines in the facility? No phone during work / time with your patients?” - I ignored his question.

“You're right. Any communication devices besides our emergency pagers are strictly prohibited while I'm at work. Lunch break is the exception.”

I didn't know what I wanted to reply. My gaze wandered to my flickering monitor and my brain focused on Netflix and which shows I haven't completed yet.

My buzzing mobile distracted me again.

“I know I'm not in the position to request anything from you but can you please let me know what your stance towards me is atm?”

“Idk. Haven't thought much about it. I focused on getting out of my anxiety, of comforting myself.”

“Good. I understand and I hope you're okay at the moment. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know. If you allow it, I would love to be there for you.”

I took a deep breath. Now that I was writing with him I somehow felt pretty comfortable, no anger, no rage, no panic.

Dr. Arlert had written me an email after Hanji had explained him what had happened. I only quickly had scanned through it so I opened it again.

Blablabla.... self comfort …. blablabla …. replacement for self harm …. blablabla …. but towards the end he advised me to write down a list of pros and cons concerning the person that had triggered the situation.

My eyes wandered to my phone again and then back to the monitor.

I had nothing better to do anyway.

~~~

When the doorbell rang, I just had dressed myself after I had gotten out of the shower.

The last week without any contact with Erwin was good. I somehow had needed the silence and be able to concentrate on myself. On the other hand, as strange as it was, considering that he was the trigger for this fucked up situation, I really started to miss him, now that I have thought about it.

And if this man was willing to deal with someone like me? Why shouldn't I see where we were at the moment and where we could go?

My heart was pounding heavy and loud in my chest as I opened the door. Erwin looked as if he hadn't slept in days as his gentle, concerned eyes locked on mine.

“Hey.”, he said and I stepped aside to let him in.

He looked tired, powerless, drained. He had quite some stubbles and dark circles around his eyes.

I pitied him somehow and to my own surprise I didn't panic right away as I had predicted after I had invited him over to talk.

I took a deep breath as I headed towards the couch and we both sat down.

I poured us two glasses of water and he gulped it down in a few seconds.

“Is it really okay for you that I'm here?”, he asked and I pulled out my phone along with a folded piece of paper.

“Yes it is. I invited you to come here. I want you to be here.”, I typed and his concerned face lighted up for a moment.

“Good, okay. Is there anything in specific you want to tell me? Ask me?”, his voice was calm.

“Yes. Does my uncle know that you know me?”

“No. No he doesn't and he never will. I … gave him away to one my colleagues because I could no longer work on a professional level with him. I already started to realize that after I knew you were his nephew but after … last Friday, I couldn't do it anymore. Levi, I'm so-”

I lifted my hand to interrupt him.

“I know you are sorry and I believe you. I might be a fool for doing so but well, that's just how I am.”

A gentle smile crossed Erwin's face.

“I promise you, you won't regret it. I'll just try to make up for the things I've fucked up.”

“How long have you been aware of the fact that you are growing an interest in your patient's victim? Don't you think that that's a bit perverted?” - charming, bluntly as ever.

Erwin took a deep breath.

“I was fully aware after our first date. You story about how you became a mute was matching with what I knew from Kenny's files. And maybe it is perverted, but I couldn't help it. I fell for you – and I promise you with all my heart, I've never seen you as a victim that I would fetishize. To me you always have been a survivor, a strong human being. And you still are.”, he spoke quietly.

My jaws pressed together and I forced myself to look away from Erwin's face. This man was killing me with how good he was with words.

“I want you to have a look at something.”

“Okay...”, Erwin sounded curious as I handed him the neatly folded paper.

“Can I open it?” - I nodded.

He unfolded the paper and his eyes scanned over the words I had written there. Tears came to his eyes and I blinked a bit irritated. I had no idea that he could be such an emotional person.

Finally he pressed his lips together before a heavy sigh left his lips and he wiped away the tears.

“Thank you for showing me, Levi. That is... fuck, I don't even know what to say.”, his voice cracked as tears now were building up again and running down his cheeks.

“My therapist wanted me to make this list... and I came to the realization that besides two times triggering me on the con-side, there are more than 50 points about you that I like. Including that you helped me to overcome some of my fears, my progress in general being better and that I do have feelings for you.”, I handed him my phone.

“I can see that... and you can not believe how happy I am about this. Levi, this means so much to me.”, Erwin whispered as he wiped his tears away again and I gave him a gentle smile.

“What's you favorite point on that list?”, I typed and was examining his reaction.

Erwin smiled, besides tears still running down his cheeks, and scanned through the list again.

“They are all wonderful... because they show me how much you care about me.”, he whispered and poked his arm.

“Okay, can I chose three?”, he offered and I rolled my eyes but gave him a thumps up.

His facial expression was once more beautiful, hypnotic and I could see so many emotions reflected in this handsome face that looked a bit rough at the moment.

Erwin cleared his throat and then looked at me before reading from the paper.

“So here you wrote down _I really like his eyes, they are friendly, gentle, open, interested, wise, caring and fuck yes, I'd love to see his orgasm face. And I think his eyebrows are ridiculously funny_ and I really think that this is one of the nicest compliments someone has ever made about my looks.”, he cited and smiled at me.

I felt heat rising to my cheeks – why the fuck did I not review the list before giving it to him?

 _“He is a fucking 10/10 in everything I can think of. Above all he is an awesome bass player and watching him play the bass is probably one of the best views I can imagine. Besides his orgasm face probably._ ”, Erwin cited again and chuckled.

“You're really interested about my orgasm face, aren't you?”, he asked with a wide smile and I buried my face in my hands. I should have review the fucking list.

“But that you think so high of me in general is... wow, that's beautoful. I rarely get to hear so many wonderful things about me.”, he added before going back to the list.

“Okay and this one is probably the one that I hope that we are able to build on...”

He cleared his throat before citing my writing again.

“ _He accepts me with all my flaws and tries everything he can to support me. Erwin is the first person I've ever met, that made me feel feelings. I really want to trust him, discover everything there is in terms of being together with someone. I want to be a part of his life – but I don't want to be a burden._ ”, Erwin's voice cracked a bit and he pressed together his lips.

No comment from the blonde, just a gentle, soulful look before he puts the paper away.

“Levi, I know I fucked up. It's my fault and yet you are showing me this list with so many good things about me. What should I make of this?”, he whispered.

I grabbed my phone.

“How about we give it another try? Now that you kicked Kenny's sorry ass to someone else and I'm aware – wait, any other secrets / things you haven't told me yet, that I should know?”

Erwin licked his lips and run his fingers through his hair.

“I'm a bad singer, I'm horrible when it comes to backing a car into parking space, I have only once been outside the States – but well, Canada is not exactly the other side of the world, I have a fable for line dance, I hate doing the laundry, I prefer Pepsi over Coke.”, Erwin started to list some things I indeed hadn't known about him.

I smiled and typed again.

“All of this are thing I'd love to find out on my own. But I mean like a really big secret or anything that could stand between us?”

Erwin took a deep breath.

“There might be something that could be of interest for you. But I promise it won't have any influence on me being with you.”, he spoke and his expression became concerned.

My eyebrows furrowed and I inhaled sharply.

Was I ready for something else that might throw me back into the anxiety that I just was about to crawl out of?  
If it would fuck me up again – nothing I could do about it. But then I would at least have clarity and could decide if I was able to continue with Erwin.

I gestured him to continue as my jaws pressed together.

Erwin licked his lips and it took him a moment to begin. The air between us was heavy and when his low voice finally broke the silence, I held my breath.

“I've had quite some partners already. Not the relationship partner-thingy. There are only two people I was in a relationship with until now. But more like .. sex partners. Very specific sex things.”, he spoke and paused for a moment.

My heart forgot to do his job while he spoke.

“I had been quite active in the BDSM scene before I met you. But I don't do that anymore. Not since I got to know you, Levi.”, he bit his lower lip.

Somehow my body remembered how to keep me alive and I took a deep breath as my heart pounded heavy in my chest.

“You already hinted that you have 'zero experience' and this is why I thought I should bring this up now that you asked about anything that might be between us.”, Erwin declared as I still showed no intention to grab my phone.

My eyes lay widened on Erwin's face and I gestured him to wait as I got up from the couch. His expression hinted panic – as if he had driven me off but I re-assured him with a smile and headed to my room.

Within seconds I returned, my cheeks were glowing and I couldn't hide the silly smile on my face.

Erwin gave me quite a confused look as I sat down with a book in my hand. Paper markers all over as I typed on my phone.

“Actually that's pretty cool. I'm super curious about a lot of things – obviously. No sexual experience doesn't mean that I never watch porn or think about what I could like when it would come to it. So yeah. I'm fine with that. One of the points on my list also was that I discovered my own sexual desires again thanks to you.”, I handed him the phone and he let our a short laugh.

“Are you for real?”, he asked as his face brightened up.

I nodded, handing him the book.

“ _The Ultimate Guide To Kink_ ”, Erwin read the title out loud as if it was the title of a night time story for kids and I snorted amused.

“Okay, let me see...”, he said as he opened the first page with a paper marker with a snoopy expression.

He commented on everything and I listened to everything he said. He really had quite some experience and it made me feel good that nothing I had an interest in seemed to be a turn off for him.

“So, you'd do these things with me if I'd ask you to?”, I typed and with a shy smile gave him the phone.

Erwin bit his lower lip.

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”, he smiled.

I felt like the happiest person on the planet right now. As fucked up as I'd been until short as much happiness this man has brought to me with his present. His words and just his whole being were heart-balm.

He was like a gift for me. Worth waiting 28 fucking years for. And now that I looked at his face once again, he seemed like a savior, like the one offering me a hand to get our of the darkness that I had drowned myself into for the last week. Although he was the one to push me in there – Erwin had not had any bad intention back then. And even after I had attacked him physically he still would come here, listen to me, speak to me.

“So, I guess it's settled then?”, I typed.

Erwin furrowed his eyebrows.

“Settled? What do you mean?”

I rolled my eyes.

“I mean that it's 'all good' between us now? You apologized like a trillion times and casually cured my panic attack. You've proven to me that you really seem to like me (although I still don't get why, but hey I have anxiety, that's normal) and I still do like you very much.”

“Levi, I...”, he took a deep breath as his chest widened and he offered me his hand.

I hesitated a bit, pulled my head back but then I voluntarily placed my hand in his. It felt good, natural and he gently closed his fingers around my hand.

His gaze wandered up to my eyes again as his thump gently caressed the back of my hand.

“Levi, I love you.”, he said gently and slowly brought my hand to his lips.

I widened my eyes. I was too shocked, in a positive way, to pull away or move at all. I just stared at him as his warm, soft lips placed a gentle kiss on my skin. He closed his eyes for a moment and I could feel his hot breath against the freshly kissed skin.

Then he opened his eyes again and I had never seen his eyes so beautiful and glowing before.

“I want to be together with you, Levi.”, he whispered and I opened my lips to breathe in sharply.

That was unexpected. We went from strangers to internet friends, dating, and making out to 'lets fuck each other up' and now this. Why? How could he want to be with me if I'd tried to bite and punch him a week back?

I gasped as my other hand was reaching for the phone, typing with one hand.

“I spitted on you, I attacked you. How could you want to be with me?”

“Because I love you, Levi.”, he replied.

“Because I love you and I want to be there for you. I want to help you, support you and I want to be a part of your life. I want to look into the future and not back on things that I fucked up. It was my fault that you reacted the way you did. And I'm so thankful that you are now here with me.”, his voice was soft.

My heart rate was at 180 or something, my mouth went dry and I started to shake. I was overwhelmed by Erwin and his fucking words.

I stared at my display, trying to find the right words. But somehow I couldn't find them. Instead my eyes met with Erwin's intense gaze and then I leaned in, sloppily uniting our lips as I reached for his neck and shoulders.

Erwin let out a surprised gasp as he was thrown over by the weight of my body and found himself lying on the couch while I was kneeling between his legs and desperately try to tell him, that I fucking love him too.

My heart was bursting in my chest and my mind was spinning as I inhaled this man's scent, embraced his very being and kissed him as if there was no tomorrow.

His hands found their way to my hips and he gently caressed the skin under my shirt. I felt like melting under his touch and all bad, everything fucked up seemed to be so far away as if it wouldn't even exist.

With a string of saliva still uniting our lips I pulled back my head and stared down at this beautiful man. Beautiful from the inside and outside. Perfect in my eyes.

“I love you too, Erwin.”, I formed with my lips and spoke out the words in my head as I always did when I wrote, communicated in sign language or, rather rarely like now, formed words with my lips.

Erwin's gentle, relaxed smile suddenly was washed away and instead he looked at me in shock, his fingers digging into my skin. He opened his mouth, closed it again, gulped heavily and opened his mouth again.

“What?”, he gasped and gently brought my in an upright position so that I would now kneel between his legs and we were facing each other.

I furrowed my brows and gave him a questioning look.

“Levi! Did you just …. ?”, he stared at me unbelieving, his eyebrows being all funny again and I breathed out amused to somehow take the tension out of this unreal situation. And a noise came with it.

Wait... what?

Erwin widened his eyes again, blinking as a wide smile started to spread across his face.

I widened my eyes equally and my hands reached for my throat as I tried to understand what was going on.

“Levi – did you just speak?”, Erwin asked breathlessly and I pressed my lips together.

“Give it another try.”, he whispered excited and I gulped heavily before taking a deep breath.

“Can you hear me?”, I tried to speak and a somehow an unreal voice, cracked and unpracticed, left my throat and lips.

My body began to shiver and I felt tears in my eyes as my chest widened and I tried to breathe in.

Erwin's eyes filled with tears as well and he gently put his right hand on my chest where my heart was.

“Yes, I can hear you.”, he replied and then we both lost it.

I fell around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder as I desperately cried. His hands carefully got hold of my back, gently caressed me – far away from my neck – and his whole body got shook by his emotions and crying.

“I love you, Erwin.”, I tried to speak between tears and convulsive sobbing.

~~~

“Since your vocal cords never got fully cut through – only damaged – and the nerves in the area were the heavily damaged part of it, there always had been a unbelievably small chance that this day could come.”, the doctor in the hospital told me after he'd done an ultrasonic.

“Combined with your PTSD I can not exclude that you would've been able to speak sooner already, would your mental health have been better. May I ask what caused the discovery of your voice?”

I smiled, nodding – it was a habit – and pointed to the double glazed window towards the waiting area. Erwin was sitting there, impatiently wobbling with his legs. He had rushed me to the hospital right away after our lucky finding.

“Love, doctor.”, my still untrained voice declared and he gave me a gentle smile.

~~~

“What the actual fucking fuck?!”, Hanji screamed at me while falling to their knees. When they and Moblit had returned had I greeted them with a casual “Hi”.

“What is this shit? Are you fucking kidding me? And why the fuck is this guy here? What the hell?”, Hanji wanted to know, tears running down their face as Moblit helped them up again.

Erwin gave an apologizing look and I combined sign language with my new found speech to make sure Hanji and Moblit would understand everything while we headed for the couch.

“So you are no longer an uber freak?”, Hanji asked as they whiped away their tears of joy now.

“No, only a little freak.”, I spoke and signed and everyone laughed.

I casually placed my hand on Erwin's thigh – as if just had waited all my life for the right moment to do something so easy and beautiful like that.

“And what's it with the two of you now?”, Moblit wanted to know, giving Erwin and me a look.

Erwin and me exchanged shy smiles and he pressed his lips together, his eyebrows hinting that I should spit it out.

“I guess it's a real thing now. We're together.”, I declared happily and Erwin placed his hand on mine to seal this, our fingers locking and Hanji and Moblit both gave an “Awwwww”-sound.

“That's so sweet, I'm so happy for you.”, Hanji sighed and carefully patted my knee.

Little did the two of them know about “ _The Ultimate Guide To Kink_ ” that I hurriedly had pushed under the pillow behind my back...


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinky Eruris - love & t(h)rust - I have no shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut bonus chapter, since tiny-heichou asked for smut :3

I re-wrote the message again. And again. This was probably my tenth attempt to write a decent message to Erwin. Yet, I couldn't put it into words... probably because I didn't even know myself if I really wanted it.

With a deep sigh I rolled over to the other side, now facing the window of my room, bright daylight shining in but not much longer since fall was fast approaching. I was done with uni, thesis handed in, no more classes to attend. So my days were filled with way to much free time until I had my graduation and then would actually start at the FBI. And that's when my mind had come up with the idea, well a vague idea.

Erwin certainly appreciated that I was always available when he had time as well and there were almost no days when we wouldn't see each other.

We more and more became the kind of couple I never thought I'd be a part of. Soft smiles, gentle touching, silly kisses. Tch – how pathetic. But I would lie if I'd say that I didn't like it. Erwin didn't push me with anything and I freely chose to behave the way I wanted with this gorgeous man that I've fallen in love with and still falling for him every day. More and more.

He'd adapt to everything concerning me and my 'issues'. If I needed to be left alone, he accepted it. If I wasn't into touching, he wouldn't do it. He was absolutely chill that we never spent a whole night together. Sleeping with someone else in the same bed was something way to off for me. Just thinking about it made me feel anxious. If I didn't want to fuck, he came up with another 100 things we could do.

Okay, truth be spoken: there weren't many times when I was not in the mood for sexual activity and it surprised me myself. This man had awoken something in me.

My first time was better than I could have ever asked for...

_Erwin already had proven that he was quite skilled with his hands and his mouth. (The popsicle had merely been a preview of what talents this man was having.) And he had been a good teacher as well; patient, with clear words and absolutely not judging. Although some of my questions might have been a bit odd, but hey; I suck with social interaction._

_So after a few weeks of sucking, handjobs and frotting, I had decided that I wanted it. Everything. I also had no intention to let Erwin wait any longer. Although he never had made any moves or expressed his dissatisfaction, I didn't want to test his limits. He deserved so much better than me, the inexperienced virgin with its issues, but yet he loved me. And I loved him, I trusted him._

Dr. Arlert also had congratulated me on my significant improvement since the thing with me and Erwin was officially _a thing_. With my 28 years I was finally able to start living a normal life. Kind of. With an odd voice maybe, but who gives a shit? I had a voice now – a fucking voice! After 21 years of not having the ability to express myself with speech, I sometimes was so overwhelmed by the fact that I now could, that I would shed tears just because I was so unbelievably happy.

_So when I bravely asked if Erwin would like to fuck me with his fingers, I was smiling like a god damn idiot while the man that was giving me another awesome blowjob tried to somehow keep his cool._

_He was so careful, so gentle, so perfect as he granted me the wish and let me feel things I had never felt before. I had begun to use plugs and other toys after I was aware of what monster this guy was carrying around with him - I was no idiot, maybe a little freak but not stupid._

_But feeling his fingers inside me was definitely something different, something more intimate, something more intense, something embarrassing to a certain point. It was new, exciting and hot as fuck. My whole body was trembling as he moved his finger inside me, adding more lube, entering more fingers and spreading them._

_I came hard. His fingers inside me together with his lips around my rock hard cock let me gasp for oxygen. It was breathtaking. He was breathtaking. His beautiful eyes fixed on me as I completely let go._

_He was curious though why I had been so relaxed and while we were laying beside another in my bed, I told him about my “secret training” and he kissed me all over, laughing, calling me cute and other things that nobody has ever called me before. But this man... he was allowed to do so, because I could see and feel the love he felt for me._

_And while I still was recovering from this overwhelming orgasm, I asked him if he would like to fuck me. Needless to say that his eyebrows were out of control while he opened and closed his mouth without any words coming out before he licked his lips and leaned in for a kiss._

_That was a “Yes”._

_As clear as I remember everything until I came again – this time while Erwin's cock pounded me hard – as unable I am to put it into words. It was surreal yet one of the realest things I've ever experienced._

_Breathing synchronized as he slowly entered me, my head falling back, his lips gently caressing my chest, his hands steady on my hips. He was filling me beyond anything I could have imagined – but it was not painful, it was exciting and pure lust rushed through my veins._

_He moved ever so gently, so careful and when my prostate was stimulated, I saw stars for a moment. He would make sure that I'm okay, between hot, deep panting, ask if I was alright. I was not able to form words, so I just nodded, my eyes closing as tears of lust ran down my cheeks and desperate moans left my lips._

_I felt connected with him, as cliché as it might sound. But while my legs were entangling Erwin's body, while he kissed me as our moaning filled the room, while my hands held onto his arms and shoulders, grabbing his hair, scratching him and while we both moved without thinking, I felt connected with him. On a level I've never felt connected to someone before. Nothing existed in this moment for me besides Erwin and I._

_When my body was all burning, sweaty and my brain felt numb, I asked him to fuck me harder. And he did. His hips pulling back quickly before he thrust in me again, with more force. Again and again._

_While my vision got blurry from tears and stars, he slowly got his upper body in an upright position. His hands having a good hold on my hips, sweat running over his gorgeous body, his blonde hair sticking to his forehead as he looked down on me. Yet it didn't feel like he was actually looking down on me – he lifted me up, gave me wings to fly. He treated me so good, it was empowering._

_Shortly after, we both came. His big hand around my cock, his husky moaning in my ears, his cock deep inside me. Feeling him, seeing him, hearing him – I wanted to drown in this man._

_Soon after that I started to come over to Erwin's place, since I wanted to try more and I wanted to be assured that Hanji and Moblit would not all of a sudden kick in my door, should I scream or something._  
_It had cost me a bit to overcome another of my fears – being close to someone out of my own apartment but the first few visits were just cooking together, watching a movie, cuddling and some kissing. And the panic attacks didn't come. As if Erwin was my miraculous healing._

_Erwin's apartment was lovely furnished, big and tidy with a nice view and it smelled like leather and wood. I really enjoyed coming over to his place._

_I also enjoyed trying out new things._

_One of the first things that I wanted to give a try was blindfolding. He would take my sight with a black silk scarf that he carefully bound around my head – making sure to not get too close to my neck. It took us some tries until the undeniable fear would turn into excitement. Excitement built on trust._

_Erwin and I agreed on the red-orange-green safewords and he would react to any change of my status promptly. So slowly but surely I was able to go further than what my natural, initial limits had been. It was stunning to get myself to know within this completely new context._

_The second thing I was really curious to try out and which surprised Erwin a bit was fixation. Since his veto as the more experienced one was more important to me than my naive wish, we agreed on bondage. He was afraid that something that would partly immobilize me would stress me too much and cause a panic attack._

_But his suggestion also was on my list. And boy did I love it._

_It was fascinating to watch Erwin tie the knots and gently binding the rope around my body. First, I was fully dressed so that the rope wouldn't cause any inconvenience – neither physically nor mentally. And over a few days we worked our way._

_Erwin was all caring and gentle and understanding. His face always friendly, considerate and he would ask for my status every other minute. He was the perfect boyfriend and partner to get into kinkier things._

_But actually I had wanted him to be more dominant with me. I wanted to experience the feeling of submitting myself physically and mentally to him. At least for a certain time while we would have a session. And when I had told him that I wanted to feel this imbalance of power, that I was curious about it, he gave it to me._

_And it was stunning._

_I was captivated by this man and his dominance that seemed so natural. I was hypnotized by his whole being and I felt no shame in undressing, as he demanded. It was arousing to do what he'd ask me to while he would just sit there in his fucking suit, watching, savoring the situation. I did not only undress physically but somehow it felt as if I was showing him my whole being, everything that I was._

_His eyes told me that he loved me, appreciated me, wanted to care for me and make me feel good._

_And when he would finally touch me, it felt like electricity run through my body and I lost myself completely._

_Every time when we discussed what I'd like to try next I got braver, blunter and prouder. I trusted him so much that soon it was no longer a big deal for me when he would hold or bind my wrists._

_Even physical pain became a source of arousal for me – at least to a certain point. I found myself over Erwin's lap more and more often, moaning and biting into a pillow while Erwin would spank my ass until it was all read and throbbing. Tears of sweet pain were his payment as he would hug me tight, taking care of me and whispering sweet words._

_I even wanted to give fisting a try and although it was not one of my most favorite things, from time to time I enjoyed it pretty much. We soon figured out that the gaping feeling was what really got me going, so we would focus more on spreading with fingers and toys._

_Besides the things that had to do with me being submissive and Erwin being dominant, we also tried more and more things from my 'kink list' – often combined with our now regular sessions besides 'just' having sex._

_Erwin had a weakness for felching – something that surprised me somehow and at first I was hesitant to give it a try. I felt embarrassed, but seeing Erwin's face equally flushed, heated, excited and then feel his hot lips and tongue as he spread me open and licked and slurped his own sperm – that was unbelievably arousing. He moaned excited, his eyes all fixed on my face as he cleaned me thoroughly._

_We both found a lot of pleasure in dirty talk and role play. A recurring scenario was that I'd call Erwin my 'Daddy' and I'd be his 'nasty' or 'good boy'. Yeah, couldn't have been more snitched from a porn. But hey, whatever gets you going._

I was so happy, so lucky with this man by my side. He was beyond anything I ever could have asked for and yet here he was. Out our flesh any completely real. We had arguments as well, not that much when it came to sex and anything evolving around, but which couple doesn't? Nothing really big and so far we have been able to talk about everything.

So what exactly was holding me back now? Would I be afraid that Erwin would deny because he would be too afraid? Or was I not sure if I actually wanted it? That it was just a nice idea or fantasy but in reality I would completely lose it? Then Erwin would be right to deny... but there was no other way of finding out then telling Erwin and giving it a try.

I got up from the bed, headed to the fridge in the kitchen and grabbed a can of coke.

“Hey, are you going to be at Erwin's place tonight? We're thinking about inviting some friends over.”, Moblit spoke from the couch.

“Don't know yet. But should I be here, just invite your friends over anyway. I'll just stay in my room”, I let them know and Hanji gave me a bright smile.

“You would like them – Petra is one of my new colleagues in the lab, she'll bring her husband along and another friend, Eld, who's also one of my new colleagues will bring his partner.”, Hanji informed me and I lifted my eyebrows.

“That's like four new people? Nah, I'm fine. I think I'll be over at Erwin's place.”

“It's up to you – just know you are very welcome to join and Erwin too!”

“I'll think about it. Thanks.” and then I went to my room again.

I actually was not in the mood to meet four new people so I'd ask to go over to Erwin's place.

3:15 PM – Erwin would be off work in about an hour. I either could write him now or call him when he would be available.

So for the what felt like 100th time today I started to type a message.

“ _Hey, the nerds are having more nerds over tonight and I wanted to know if I could come to your place? I know, weekdays you usually come to my place._ ” - the beginning was the easy part.

But why bother with finding the right words now – I could still bring it up if the situation was right.

“ _Give me a call when you are off :*_ ” I added and furrowed my brows while the message got send. Did I just send a kiss smiley? Jesus, I really was getting on of those annoying people.

~~~

My arm lay around Levi's lower back while he was snuggling against my side, his hand laying on my thigh. We had chips and beer on the table and a documentary about the North Pole was running, but neither of us seemed to pay too much attention.

I had given Levi a call as soon as I had read his message and we agreed that I'd pick him up on my way home.

We had bought groceries and prepared dinner together. We had the usual, nice conversations we are having but something seemed to be off. Levi would sometimes just stare at something, his mind wandering off before he'd re-assure me that everything was okay.

After shrimp-tomato-cream-cheese pasta and salad we both had taken a quick shower and then had moved over to the couch. And now there was this awkward silence. The atmosphere tense.

Work was a bit rough today so I was hoping that Levi was the one to lead a conversation but unfortunately he didn't. All he did was breathing either deep and tense or shallow and excited while his eyes sometimes wandered to my face.

He wanted to say something. He was licking his lips, clearing his throat and then gulping, yet he wouldn't speak.

Why? He knew I would never judge him or make fun of him. So what was it that held him back?

I was the one to break the silence.

“Sweety?”, I spoke quietly and Levi's eyes widened as he forced a smile.

“Is there anything you wanna tell me?”, I bluntly asked with a calm, friendly voice, my hand gently caressing his lower back.

The tension between us reached a new high and it was not a good tension. Levi pressed his jaws together as he took a deep breath. I could feel his heart rate go up, his hand starting to caress my thigh – absent minded.

“You don't have to if you don't want to, Levi. But you are making quite the impression of carrying something around with you. So I wanted to remind you that you can tell me everything, ask me everything.”, I assured him and leaned over to place a quick kiss on his forehead, the raven hear was still damp.

His body tensed and I gave him a gentle smile.

“Can I sleep here tonight?”, he spoke quickly and I pulled my head back.

In all these months that we have been together now, we have never slept in the same bed. I would leave his apartment and he would leave my apartment, no matter the time, because Levi wanted it.

Ah, he meant the sofa. For sure.

“Yes, you can of course sleep here tonight. If you prefer the bed I can sleep on the sofa.”, I offered, since I knew from his stories that he was a picky sleeper.

There was an awkward pause again, Levi taking a deep breath before dark eyes looked right at me.

“No. I want to sleep in your bed, next to you.”, he spoke out and now my eyebrows wandered up.

“Okay... I'm sure we can arrange that. But are you sure that you will be able to sleep?”, I asked and gave him a concerned look as I felt my body tensing now.

Levi pressed his lips together for a moment. “I think so... but there's something else... I … I wanted to say. Wanted to ask. But not now.”, Levi's words came out halting and now I was concerned. What could he want tell or ask me but not now? And why would he want to sleep in my bed next to me all of a sudden?

“Okay... so when-”

Suddenly his hands grabbed my jaw, pulling me closer and he united our lips. Desperate he bit me while I let out a surprised gasp and took a deep breath.

The sudden change of the situation was surprising but nevertheless I couldn't deny that I liked how his hands were holding on to me, our teeth were clashing together, his hot breath touched my skin and a soft moan left his throat.

“Fuck me.”, he whined as he pulled back for a moment, his eyes shining excited, his lips were all wet from our kiss. He was beautiful, stunning as always.

Nevertheless I tried to read the situation, tried to figure our what the hell was going on. Obviously I reacted to slow for Levi.

“Fuck me, Daddy, please.”, he cried out desperately and reached for my crotch, his hand pushing hard against my cock through the trousers and I moaned surprised.

His words were sweet in my ears. I loved it when he called me 'Daddy' although I was just two years older than him. It immediately got me in the right mood, pushing away my thoughts about his strange behavior for a moment.

My hand got a good hold on Levi's waist and I pulled him closer, my lips wandering over his cheeks and lips as I whispered: “Why should Daddy fuck his good boy?”

His right hand was pushing hard against my cock that got more blood by the second, his finger nails scratching against it. God, he knew how to push my buttons.

As his left hand grabbed for my hair, pulling back my head an revealing my throat, he spoke: “Because I've been a nasty boy.” and then his teeth dug into my skin and with gentle soft bites he made his way to my left ear. I moaned excited as the sweet pain spread through my body.

“What did my good boy do?”, I wanted to know breathlessly and bit my lower lip. His biting sent shivers down my spine.

“I was touching myself today and playing with toys.”, he admitted with a smile and let go off my head, our eyes locking on another. I could see his arousal, his need and desire – everything was reflected so clearly and purely in his face. Eyes shining, cheeks red, lips slightly parted.

My right eyebrow wandered up. “Oh? Why did you do that?”, I wanted to know and both of my hands now were getting hold on his waist and hips.

“Because I got horny when I was thinking of Daddy.”, Levi admitted, a cheeky smile on his face.

“Tell Daddy what you did with yourself.”, I demanded as I slowly lifted myself from the couch and with Levi's help, lifted him up on my hips. His arms placed around my neck, his legs wrapping around my body and my arms around his ass and hips.

“I was touching my cock and used some clamps on my nipples”, he admitted breathlessly, his body trembling while I slowly carried him towards the bedroom.

A mischievous smile crossed my face. “The clamps that Daddy gave you?”, I asked and Levi nodded. My cock was rock hard by now and pressing hard against my shorts and trousers.

“That's a good boy – at least you used Daddy's present when you were so horny, that you couldn't wait any longer.”, I praised him and a shy, playful smile was the reply.

“Anything else you did or used?”, my eyes quickly scanned the bedroom as Levi nodded and got my attention again.

“Then tell Daddy, or I have to teach you how to behave like a good boy.”, I warned him.

“I used a plug.”, he whispered as I carefully let him down so that he could sit on the edge of my bed.

I breathed out amused, gently caressing Levi's cheek.

“And I'm still … wearing it.”, he admitted as I was about to raise my voice again. My cock twitched in my pants and I hummed reproving.

“Then you'll have to show Daddy.”, I let him know as I took a step back – I could see Levi's eyes saddening as I pulled back my hand to arrange the black leather arm chair as I had done so many times before.

I got myself as comfortable as possible, the excitement – also about his wish to sleep here – made it hard to sit still. When I lay my eyes on Levi again, he looked at me in anticipation.

“Strip.”, I said with a deep voice.

“Yes, Daddy.”, Levi approved and with hasty movement began to pull up his shirt.

“Slowly, be a good boy and undress slowly for Daddy.”, I demanded and Levi nodded before he slowed down.

My eyes scanned his perfectly tones muscles as so many times before and yet it got me excited once again. Levi would stand up and began to pull down his pants as I interrupted him with my voice again.

“Turn around, kneel on the bed. Daddy wants to see your perfect, little ass.”

Levi's body trembled and although the light was dimmed, I could see his cheeks reddening as he slowly turned around and got on the bed with his hands and knees, his well formed ass already showing below the rather lose trousers.

For a moment I held my breath as he would slowly push down the fabric, his body now resting on knees and shoulders, his ass presented to me perfectly. Little by little he revealed the pale skin in perfect contrast to my prussian blue sheets.

I let out a desperate and surprised moan as the plug indeed was to be found but with a lovely surprise I have had no idea about. A shimmering crystal decorated the black plug and Levi gave me a gentle, anticipating smile over his shoulder.

“You like it, Daddy?”, he asked while his trousers were moved to the floor.

I gulped heavily as my hand stroke along my hard cock through the fabric.

“Yes, Daddy likes it... that's a nice surprise.”, I let him know with gentle voice.

He places his hands on his ass cheeks, gently pulling them apart to reveal even more of his perfect body while his thighs were pressed together, presenting me the most pleasant view.

“Can you please have a closer look, Daddy.”, he spoke – half question, half desperate demand before he buried his face in the sheets.

“Oh, Daddy would love to have a closer look. That's a sweet surprise. You're such a good boy.”, I let him know as I lifted myself from the arm chair, my blood rushing loudly in my ears.

Levi was the perfect partner in every sense. He was caring, curious, open minded. We could chat for hours, talk about everything that was important to us or just lock ourselves up for a jam session. We could also spend a whole Sunday with Netflix (although he had seen way more shows than me already) and order pizza. He even wanted to go to a concert with me, despite him being afraid of big crowds, and it came out to be okay for him. Because I was with him.

His lack of sexual experience was no problem at no time. He wanted to try things and I was more than happy to be the one to let him experience those things. And now he was the one to surprise me more and more often. Just like now. I loved him so much for who he was and for how happy he made me.

I placed my hands on his, led his hands to gently massage his cheeks while I admired his body and the decoration that Levi presented me.

“Do you like it, Daddy?”, he asked whining as I didn't speak but slowly got on my knees.

“Yes, Daddy likes it very much and you're such a good boy.”, I praised him again while my hands slowly wandered over his thighs and I began to place biting kisses on his ass cheeks. His breath now more a constant, quiet moaning.

My hands slid between his thighs, slowly spreading them apart so that his knees would easily glide over the sheets and I could feel Levi's body tense.

“Status?”, I whispered, to make sure he felt comfortable.

“Green.”, he replied and re-arranged himself a bit.

“Good.”, I breathed against his soft skin before I let him feel my teeth again.

My hands were caressing and scratching his thighs all over, red marks from my nails indicating irritated skin so I avoided those areas. My mouth was wandering all over his perfect ass and the closer I got to the plug, the more gentle I got, avoiding teeth but adding more tongue and lips instead.

I licked down the perineal skin, circling his balls with my tongue before wandering up again. He tasted sweet and freshly showered. His body reacted to everything I did, his muscles tensing, his throat giving away sounds of lust.

“You are beautiful and you taste wonderful”, I let him know and I felt his body heating up even more.

“Should Daddy play with the plug? Fuck your little hole with it?”, I murmured against his skin.

“Yes, please.”, Levi whined and just a second later he gasped surprised as my hands now placed on his again, spreading his cheeks apart and I placed my lips around the plug.

~~~

“Fuck.”, I cried out as Erwin began to move the plug back and forth with his lips, his nose pressing against my body whenever he would fully push it back into me.

I felt incredibly hot and sweat began to run down my back while I was moaning. Erwin's saliva caused some odd noises as he was pulling the plug back and pushing it forth again – but I didn't care. I was so turned on – this was my idea, my surprise for him.

But I wanted to set up a good mood for what I'd like to propose. I needed Erwin excited, aroused and eager to do everything for his good boy.

For a moment he let go of the plug, his lips and tongue licking every bit of skin around it and a shudder ran through my body. I loved being caressed by his lips and tongue – it always was breathtaking to feel his soft, needy touch.

“Fuck me with you tongue, Daddy.”, I cried out and bit my lips.

“Since you've had such a nice surprise for Daddy, I'll reward my good boy.”, he hummed with a deep voice. “But you'll have to push out the plug … will you do that for me?” His voice sweet and seductive.

My body tensed and my jaws together for a moment before I just nodded since I was not able to speak.

Erwin pulled back his hands and I needed to spread myself open again. I could feel his intense gaze, his mesmerized, turned on gaze that I have seen so often. I loved it, I was addicted to it and now hearing his breathing getting more excited, louder and knowing that he would probably touch himself while he observed what was about to happen very close, was a huge turn on for me.

So I took a deep breath and then did what Erwin had asked me to do. Slowly but surely I pushed the plug out – it went back in a few times in the beginning, causing me to take some nice deep breaths – and the feeling was amazing.

With a final breath and push the plug left my body and my breath sped up as sweat was running down my face. The plug was quite big and I had purchased it only a week ago, wearing it for the first time today. My exposed hole was throbbing and I could feel Erwin's hot breath against my relaxed muscle.

“You're such a good boy.”, Erwin hummed satisfied, his voice hinted arousal and excitement. “So should Daddy fuck your sweet little ass with his tongue now?”

A desperate whine left my throat. “Yes, Daddy. Please fuck my hole with your tongue.”, I cried excited.

And so he did. Like an animal he was eating my ass and everything there was to it. I moaned, desperate “Fuck”s leaving my lips as I needed to place my hands on the bed, to have some sort of hold.

Erwin pushed his whole face against me, his hands holding on to my hips, pulling me closer to him. Teeth, tongue and lips were sucking, biting, licking my muscle, my skin and finally he entered me with his tongue. A deep moan from the big man behind me while my eyes rolled back into my head.

His tongue was pushing deep inside me, pressing against the walls. I could feel his saliva run down my perinal skin, hear his satisfied moaning while the room was filled with wet, odd noises – turning us both on equally.

I lost myself in the very moment, giving myself to the man I loved. And yet, while my body and mind were all focused on the sensational feelings that Erwin was giving me mentally and physically, I still wanted to, needed to address my wish.

So after Erwin pulled back his head satisfied, breathing heavily as if he had just run a marathon, I turned over, sitting on the edge of the bed again.

“Fuck, Levi. That was amazing. You are amazing.”, he was breathing, chest widening under his sweaty shirt, his whole face covered in saliva and I couldn't help but give him a gentle smile.

“You are amazing, Erwin.”, I replied and leaned forward to give him a kiss. I could taste myself and the man I loved. The man that helped me to become who I want to be every day.

“Now how about we unpack your cock and you fuck me with it?”, I proposed with a mischievous smile, my hands grabbing Erwin's shirt and pulling it over his head.

After his shirt was gone, Erwin stood up and he gently took my hands. “You may unpack the cock that will fuck you.”, he whispered excited and my eyes fixed on the big wet spot where his rock hard cock has left precum already.

“Oh Daddy, you really wanna fuck your little boy's cunt, don't you?”, I teased him as I slowly pulled down his trousers and the short with it. His erection, finally free, was beautiful to look at and without further thinking I grabbed it by the root and with gentle strokes began to touch it.

Erwin's body shuddered and a long and desperate “Fuuuuck” left his lips as he held onto my shoulders – which were an okay place to hold on to. I leaned in an gently licked on the salty tip before letting his cock slip over my lips.

“Shit!”, Erwin moaned as his head fell back and I welcomed his hot flesh with my tongue while my hand would pump his shaft. My left hand wandered over his abdomen, gently circling his nipple before pinching the sensitive skin and Erwin would let out a desperate cry.

I would only suck his cock for a bit – already feeling the bottled-up arousal in his body. “Fuck, you're so good.”, he whined as I pulled back.

“So will Daddy fuck my boy cunt with his big, hard cock now?”, I teased him as I began to crawl backwards onto the bed.

“Oh yes, Daddy will make sure to fuck you properly.”

Moments later he was pounding me, hard and rough, just how I loved it. My finger nails dug deep into his shoulders, scratching him and making sure he would be marked – his aroused hissing approving that I did a good job with it. I wanted to this night to be a very special night and it should be a one to remember for both of us.

Erwin's hands were holding on to the headboard of the bed while my ankles were placed on his shoulders – he fucked me really hard, deep and good and I could hardly breathe since every thrust would push out the air from my lungs.

We both were moaning, sweating and eye fucking each other when I decided this was the moment to bring up my request.

“Choke me.”, I panted and either Erwin did not hear it or ignore it but he didn't react.

So I gently placed my right hand on Erwin's cheek, building up another form of connection.

“Choke me.”, I spoke louder and this time Erwin reacted. Not the way I had hoped for but similar to what I already had imagined.

His thrusting came to a halt, his eyes widened as he looked at me in disbelief.

“What?”, he gasped.

“I want you to choke me.”, I spoke as steady as possible – arousal over the idea of getting chocked and fear of getting rejected making it quite difficult for me to concentrate on my words.

So my hands wandered over his arms, taking his wrists and leading the hands from the headboard to me. I placed them on my cheeks, closing my eyes and savored the touch for a moment.

Erwin had kind of a shock. He just looked at me, concerned, questioning, afraid maybe but with a hint of excitement as he allowed me to lead his hands, his body now putting more weight on my legs since he no longer held on to the headboard.

“Please, Erwin. I love you and I trust you. I want to try this. I want you to choke me while you fuck me.”, I spoke with a shaky voice.

I was afraid that I had completely killed his mood but his cock was still all hard in me. “Are you the mute one now?”, I tried to break the tension.

“Levi... if you … I mean when you...”, he finally found his voice again. “Are you sure about this?”, his thumbs gently caressing my cheeks.

“Yes, I am. And I'll make sure to let you know, should it get bad. So please, Erwin, please give it a try.”, I desperately spoke.

I could feel his eyes staring deep into my soul. Yes it was true. He never ever had touched my throat or neck since these were the ultimate trigger points. But I wanted to give it a try because the idea of Erwin controlling the blood circulation to my brain was so fucking hot.

He gulped heavily, finally nodding – once. His cock twitching. I knew that he had thing for choking, so no wonder his body still was in the mood.

“Okay, Levi. I love you and if this is what you want to try, I'll let you experience it. But I also trust you that you'll let me know if anything-”

“I promise you, Erwin. With all my love for you, I promise you that I'll let you know if it gets too much.”, I re-assured him and thrust my hip up a bit while smiling.

“Come one, fuck my needy hole like you did before and I'll leave the rest to you.”, I demanded and Erwin breathed out with a smile before he finally got back to fucking me again.

Slower and more controlled than before but nevertheless intense and stunning. I loved everything about this man, the way he cared for me as well as the way he fucked me. The situation was back to passionate sex and I let myself get taken by the moment again.

“Your ass is so tight and hot.”, he was breathing while his hands gently caressed my cheeks, wandering over my cheek bones.

When we were both back to moaning and panting, Erwin with a steady rhythm, my hands carefully pushed his hands deeper, over my jawline and onto my throat.

It was a unreal feeling.

Terrifying for a split second and my eyes widened as I felt his finger tips on my skin – on a place where nobody has touched me ever since. Erwin's eyes widened equally but I quickly smiled, silently whispered: “Go on.”

And he did. Carefully his fingertips wandered over my throat while he fucked me steadily. I already felt that this would be emotionally stressful but I also was looking forward to experience it.

He followed along the scar and for a moment closed his eyes, his jaws pressing together. “I'm okay, I love you.”, I whispered and Erwin gave me a desperate smile.

“I love you too, Levi.”, he let me know and then began to gently push his fingertips towards the sides of my neck so that I could feel his fingers completely.

I closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath and nodded. I felt save, secure and loved. No anxiety, no panic – not until now.

When Erwin pulled back is left hand, placed it on my cheek, I opened my eyes again, gave him an irritated look. He gently smiled. “I'll only need one hand and I want you to come when I choke you.”, he let me know with a determined smile.

So he placed his left hand around my cock, practiced movements causing my body to shudder while I gasped surprised. “That's a good boy, let Daddy hear how much you like it when I fuck your boy cunt and touch your needy cock.”, he moaned with a deep voice.

“Oh Daddy, yes. Fuck me. Touch me. Choke me.”, I spoke out my deepest needs for the moment without further thinking about it.

“I'll fuck you good and hard, I'll jerk you off and I'll choke you. All because I love you. You make sure that you're alright. Please.”, he informed me and I nodded.

My left hand got hold of Erwin's neck and hair and I lay my right hand around his wrist. I could feel his pulse rise as he began to fuck me harder again.

I was moaning desperately, trying to somehow support Erwin with my body, but I was pressed hard into the bed by Erwin's much bigger body. He panted, while he was focused on so many things at the same time. Fucking me, jerking me off and trying to keep eye contact with me. His fingers lay gentle on my throat, from time to time he built up pressure with his whole hand.

Yet, there was still no panic in a way that would fuck me up. And I knew why. Because this man was so god damn understanding and I loved him with all my heart, I trusted him. And love and trust already had pushed away so many of my other issues in the last months that this would be the next big thing.

“Choke me, Daddy, I wanna come.”, I cried out desperately after my whole body was ready to experience this.

“Fuck.”, he moaned and pressed his lips together for a moment, nasal wings widening. “Daddy will make you come. My sweet, little, good boy.”

Our eyes met and I nodded while my hand pushed his hand harder against my throat. Erwin's breathing came to a halt for a moment as he concentrated completely on what he was about to do while he still pounded the fuck out of me.

Finally I felt his fingertips pushing harder, his hand right below my jawline and then it kicked in.

My eyes widened, my body tensed and adrenaline took over for a moment – a slight hint of panic as I dug my nails into Erwin's wrist. But within a second, my orgasm came. Erwin's hand on my cock twitched and while I felt like passing out for a moment, I couldn't help but smile while tears of joy and pure lust came to my eyes and then I closed them as the climax took over my body.

Erwin let go of my throat – the sudden blood flow to my brain causing me to come hard and so good that I felt like passing out again – it was too intense and with an animal like sound I came all over my chest just to witness one of Erwin's most beautiful orgasms so far.

He leaned back a bit, letting go of my cock and instead placing his hand on my hip while the hand on my throat applied a bit more pressure again, no cutting of the blood circulation like before but just giving me the feeling that Erwin was in control.

His head fell back as he thrust into me a few more times quickly and then with one last, slow, powerful move he came. His whole body was shaking, muscles twitching uncontrolled. He opened his beautiful eyes, looking at me. His cock was twitching inside me and then his torso fell onto my chest.

~~~

“Why the fuck did you pass out?”, I asked him with a big smile and snuggled myself against his side. His left arm lay around my shoulders – no big deal after getting chocked, right? – and me left arm lay over his chest.

Erwin breathed out amused. “I don't know. I really can't tell you. Never happened before.”, he explained and I shook my head.

“You're the one who was choking me – if I would have passed out; okay. But you? I don't get it.”

“You should see it as a compliment.”, Erwin re-arranged his pillow a bit and I placed my head on his shoulder.

“It's a weird compliment...”, I snorted.

“Probably, yes. But that you would ask me to choke you is not exactly 'normal', too, don't you think?”, he wanted to know and his eyebrows wandered up.

“Probably not. But … what is normal? The life I was living a year ago seemed perfectly normal to me back then and then you came into my life... and now everything is different, so much has changed and so much is still changing and it all feels normal too. And I'm thankful for that.”, I spoke quietly.

Erwin leaned in to place a kiss on my forehead.

“Thank you, Levi.”, he whispered.

“What for? You're the one who's sticking around me while there would be hundreds of thousands people out there that are easier to deal with.”

“Those 'hundreds of thousands people out there' are just that. Hundreds of thousands people out there – but you, Levi, you are here with me. And you are the man I love, the man I fell in love with. And I'm thankful for that.”, his words were sweet and I placed a kiss on his cheek.

“You're such a sweet-talker.”, I teased him.

“And you're the one who introduced kiss smileys to our messaging today.”, he laughed and gave me a questioning look.

“Tck!”, I rolled my eyes. “That was just to … show you how much I love you so you would choke me when I asked you to.”

“Oh, I see. So then the whole Daddy and plug in your ass thing was not part of the plan?”

I smiled and gently bit his neck.

“Ouch! What was that for?”, he asked playful.

“Nothing special for. I just sometimes feel like being a bit more dominant.”

“Oh?”, Erwin raised his eyebrows and bit his lip. “Well, that's indeed interesting.”, he smiled.

“Why's that?”, I wanted to know, my eyebrows furrowing.

“You know, my birthday's coming up soon.”

“Yeah, I know but what does one have to do with the other?”

“Well... I might have a new wish for that special occasion since you're already granting me my initial wish.”, Erwin's smile widened. “But for now we should sleep. I have to get up early – not everyone can be a lazy ass student as you.”, he laughed and I bit his neck again.

“What wish? Tell me!”, I demanded.

“I wanted to ask you, if you'd give sleeping over a try.”, Erwin's voice soft as he looked at me.

My eyes widened. Was he for real? Such a simple wish – this man was more than perfect.

“And I'm considering if and when I'll tell you about my new wish. I'm not sure about it yet.”, he let my know.

“Okay, but promise me to tell me in time.”

“Will make sure. Good night, Sweety.”, he spoke and leaned in for a sweet, short kiss.

“Good night, Hun. I love you.”, I replied.

“I love you too, more than you can imagine.”, Erwin whispered.

And for the first time in a very long time, I fell asleep in another bed than my own. It was easier than I had thought especially since the real challenge was sleeping next to someone.

Well, not ' _someone_ '.

Next to Erwin Smith, the man I loved and the man that completed me. Who loved me and with whom I was building up a 'new' life. Together.


End file.
